positive

Promoting overdoses without intentionally knowing it! Selling prescription only sleeping tablets…on ur second order u get £4 off and a free pen woooooooo. I must order more i wonder if ill get a keyring next time and £8 off. that is all!!!

My dance displays

Here are the videos of my dance displays

Stupid Sleep

Well i took 6 tramadol at about 9.30pm last night and they didnt kick in by midnight. My puppy had decided she wanted to play at midnight so i decided id take her a walk along the beach. I was talking to a friend online at the point and he asked if he could come too. I agreed!

We spoke and walked along the beach a few times. Before i knew it an hour and a half had passed and we were still talking comfortably. This was only the 2nd time i had met this guy and he was really nice. There was a natural kind of spark between us as we exchanged a kiss and a few cheeky things in the back of his car. Whats the problem????? hes 15 years older than me!!! he really doesnt look it but yep hes 38. Nearly in his 40′s. and im not even mid 20s yet. If its so comfortable is it so wrong? I dont think i could ever have a relationship with this guy but mibbe a bit more than friends could be a good confidence boost and make me feel a bit better about myself.

Anyway back to the point. Iv had an hour and a halfs sleep through the tramadol and now its 5.11am and i am wide awake! Its good i dont have anything planned during the day just now because im struggling with a routine. I know its probably the worst thing but i really am trying to get a routine. I didnt nap at all yesterday and still not sleeping tonight. I think im gonna need to get the amitriptyline!!!

Its Time

Its time to say goodbye. to take these pills and hopefully end it all. im scared i wake up. Im scared i dont do it right but im gonna give it a shot. I have boxes of zopiclone and i know 14 is bad so this should be worse. There is no reason for anyone to contact me so i will be left alone.

Bye Bloggers. I god darn hope this works!

Small things

Even though my life seems to be reasonably ok at the moment there are still things that make me sigh and think “god i miss it”. I can cover up things that may appear not to bother me that much but when something reminds me of something that made me smile that i no longer have i feel quite down.

I took my pup a walk today and on the way she proceeded to bark and every dog that walked by. In the distance she could see a character with what looked like 2 small dogs on leads. She didnt bark. She came out from behind my legs and playfully ran towards the 2 dogs. When she got to the full length of her lead she stopped and noticed it was a man on the other end of the leads. She kept staring at the dogs for as long as they were in sight. When they were no longer in sight she looked at me like “what happened? where are they going? why cant i play with them again?” it broke my heart to see my dog look upset and confused to why she couldnt play with the dogs that she thought she knew.

Calm before the storm

I have spent the past week or so smiling. Ever since i ordered those tablets online its as if i know what they are going to do. I know how they are going to make me feel.

I have accepted it, i have my letters all prepared and iv tied my lock of hair in a ribbon for my mum. My MHO is at her wits end i think. Phoning me at lunch time and again at dinner time to make sure the meds havnt came. She keeps telling me to tell her when they have came as she has no right to take them off me. Im pretty sure she will have someone who can take them off me. I wont tell her anyway.

Im glad i found the place where i can buy these meds at a reasonable price.

Im trying to make everyone see that things are “fine” at the moment so when i take the tablets noone is worried and checking up on me i can just lie in a heap and enjoy!

Im back at dancing and im away to find my dobok for taekwondo tonight. That will make people think im ok.

Each day

Each day plans for me are changing. I have no plans for each day other than my usual routine but each day the plans for the next day change. I had nothing planned for all this week but yet so far its been packed with meeting new people and spending time with friends. Yesterday i met with a girl i seen at the weekend and we went for a drink and a laugh at a local bowling alley and watched some guys playing pool. She was adament one of them fancied her and he did keep looking over. We took the puppy a walk and my friend has fallen in love with her, shes buying her chews and toys all the time. I swear shes gonna end up massive if this keeps up. I met the girls mum and her mum fell in love with the pup too.

Today she was meant to be coming down but was having to wait in for her new phone so asked me to go up again. i went up at about 8pm and we went for a walk then a drive and got some ice cream from KFC and a wee walk around ASDA. We went back to hers and played with the pup. she pulled all of my friends dogs toys out the toy basket and played with them all.

There were a few of us sitting in having a chat as i met my friends other circle of friends and we all got on really well. Im meeting her again tomorrow. Each day is something new and exciting again.

I had a good chat with my dance teacher the other day about things that have been happening and she has made me feel really good too.

What a turn!

Myself and my 2 friends went to a gay pride festival in the city on saturday. We left really early so we were there for the parade coming in. It was amazing. we had our tshirts on and our rainbow ties, bracelets and the place was a mix of colours. I met ALOT of people i knew who were surpised to see me there but we had so much fun and the place was just generally full of love with people running around giving “free hugs”. The acts were amazing and we all jumped to the music. We had a few drinks and went to the youth tent where they were doing free haircuts….this was it for me!  A NUMBER ONE!!!!!! on the sides! spikey at the top and a fringe. I cant believe i done it. iv not had a fringe since i was 12. now i have a fringe and everyone was loving my new hairstyle. even my parents love it. I think its a little too short but i can wash dry and style it in 5 minutes literally.

My friend cut the first lock of hair which i have tied in a ribbon. Its so long. I miss my long sexy hair but feck it, bring on impulsiveness.

Im going to the cinema tomorrow with a girl i met yesterday. Shes really nice and we have spent all day talking and planning what we were going to do tomorrow. For once its all looking good again.

I have my support worker, my mho phoned me today but i missed the call so shes gonna phone tomorrow. im happy happy happy

Blank

No title. I have that many small choppy changey things to type that the title is unimportant.

I knocked down a boy on his rollerblades yesterday. I was so shaken up by it especially when the boy decided that he wanted to scream and shout at every one who wanted to help him because people were telling him it was his fault. The wing of the car is all dented in and i got such a shock.

I came home in such a state i didnt think i could cope. I cut my leg and ordered over 200 Zopiclone online. It cost me a fortune but who cares! if 14 can do as much damage as it did them im sure 200 (if i manage to take that many before i colapse) could be fatal!

My life seems ok at the moment but iv been talking to my MHO about a stash iv been building up for my cocktail. She asked me to give her it the other day and i said i didnt have it here. she then said i was lying because if she had a stash and didnt want someone to have it she would say it wasnt there either. I was lying and she just told me to put it in the bin. I still have it. some tramadol and some promethazine at the moment and some zopiclone when it arrives. What a cocktail!

The kid in me

I looked and felt like that little 8 year old girl with the shorts on in a cold day with skint knees, grazed face and stitches. I skipped along the path giggling to myself and kicked the weeds at the side of the grass leading onto the path. I felt so alive. I felt so young again, a time when nothing mattered, i had no responsability. I balanced and walked along a pole like kids do with kerbs. I swung upside down on the bars like i didnt care if i hit my head – forgetting im alot bigger now.