This is Real Life – Not a Trial











{July 25, 2010}   Its Time

Its time to say goodbye. to take these pills and hopefully end it all. im scared i wake up. Im scared i dont do it right but im gonna give it a shot. I have boxes of zopiclone and i know 14 is bad so this should be worse. There is no reason for anyone to contact me so i will be left alone.

Bye Bloggers. I god darn hope this works!



{July 22, 2010}   Calm before the storm

I have spent the past week or so smiling. Ever since i ordered those tablets online its as if i know what they are going to do. I know how they are going to make me feel.

I have accepted it, i have my letters all prepared and iv tied my lock of hair in a ribbon for my mum. My MHO is at her wits end i think. Phoning me at lunch time and again at dinner time to make sure the meds havnt came. She keeps telling me to tell her when they have came as she has no right to take them off me. Im pretty sure she will have someone who can take them off me. I wont tell her anyway.

Im glad i found the place where i can buy these meds at a reasonable price.

Im trying to make everyone see that things are “fine” at the moment so when i take the tablets noone is worried and checking up on me i can just lie in a heap and enjoy!

Im back at dancing and im away to find my dobok for taekwondo tonight. That will make people think im ok.



{July 6, 2010}   The Boy and the Cocktail!

This is a post i have sat and thought about long and hard all day. I have planned what im going to type but knowing my luck it wont come out as planned. Over the course of the day the content of this post has changed and the title has gone from “the cocktail” to “the boy and the cocktail”. I came up with the heading when i was sitting talking to the crisis team, Telling them how i was feeling.

Lets start with “the boy”. I am referring to the story of the boy who cried wolf. Im sure you have all heard of it. Basically i am the girl who cried “overdose” even though each time i have overdosed. The time that i take something really fatal i may just not be found or they may think it was just another paracetamol overdose when it could be something else.

This brings me onto “the cocktail”. During my appointment with the crisis team i was asked what i felt about all the events over the past year, as it is a year today from i took my first overdose that hospitalised me. I was surprised by the things i started rambling to them. I had never sat and thought of my overdoses in such a way i described to them. I believe i said, ” I dont care for overdoses and i feel im using second best now, at the beginning it was paracetamol, that was all well and good but i wanted to challenge more medication to see what effects it had on me, tramadol, cocodamol, zopiclone, each overdose a different effect, a different outcome” then i came out with the line surprisingly with a smile “its like this whole year iv been practicing, like iv been taking my body to its limits to see what happens with each med and now i have my cocktail down to a tee”. I said it like someone with a plan! someone who was out to cause havok!

So as i said i now have my cocktail, the lethal cocktail! well so i think will be lethal.

Tramadol overdoses: most taken at one time was 30, hospitalised and seizured but continued to take another 70 tramadol over the course of 72 hours – more seizures.

Cocodamol overdoses: no real effect just add to the drowsiness and paracetamol levels.

Zopiclone overdoses: most taken at one time 14, the most lethal of my overdoses yet. I got into alot of trouble to which i wasnt aware. involving police, mental hospitals and being pinned to the floor. I also remember not being able to feel any pain and i got out my handcuffs.

This cocktail needs a name and i may just need to stick to something stupid like ZOCOTRAM!

I am not going to be stupid this time. I am planning! Letters will be wrote and it will be done at the right time.

I sat thinking earlier “people say, if i ever get like that shoot me, well i want to be shot”. I am a person i dont like, a person i dont wanna be. I cried when i thought of it. People cannot possibly expect me to stay on this earth and in this body and mind for at least another 50 years like this. It will be MY decision when my life shall end! I at this moment in time have nothing to live for. I have no house, my dog is settling at my mums and im generally depressed all the time.

How hard is it for a psychiatrist to say “we will provide you with a support worker” if it is going to make a person feel like they want to live their life? a few measley pounds from the nhs budget to keep me safe instead of treating me with nurses, hospital stays, blood tests etc.

As soon as i came through the doors of the hostel the women were so supportive. They asked me if i wanted tea and if i wanted a chat etc. When i got to my room i realised the lekky had gone off and the freezer had defrosted all over the room so i had to nip back downstairs for a mop. The women offered to help me but i said i was fine.

Im lying in bed now relaxing, even though i have a headache!

blog has been kinda jumpy but meh its whats been on my mind.

xxx



{June 17, 2010}   Cant Stop

I feel like i cant stop writing, like i cant stop thinking, like i cant stop crying. I keep thinking why i feel this way. I want to walk away. I want to start new.

I keep crying, how cana mother call her daughter a tart. Thats the 2nd time this year she has called me it infront of people. Its really not nice, i know im not a tart. Its my outfit for dancing, its not like i went out wearing that in public.

This has really hurt me inside. Im scared to see her again and i dont want to go into work. I dont think she is happy that i said if i dont have somewhere by the 1st of july i was going to stay with my friend for a bit. I may even get everything out of here and get it cleaned up in the next week and be out of here by my birthday on the 26th.

I feel like i need someone to talk to but when i try to chat to a friend i loose concentration and want to do something else. Im wide awake and dont want to sleep. I need to be up at 8am to go to the homeless assessment place with a form stating i need a council house. I dont know why im bothering i may just go across the water for somewhere. Depends if they find me somewhere here by the 1st or not.

I want to sleep, I want to take tablets to take the thoughts away. I knew i would stress the closer it got to moving out day. I want to take anything that will help me sleep or knock me out.

I dont get why the doctors put me on daily prescriptions because if i really wanted to overdose id go to the 24hr garage for paracetamol!



{June 10, 2010}   The Book – Day 2

Day 2:

THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE,

Today, Gaze at everyone wondering whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them by forever….Act in concequence.

My thoughts on today task:
Well considering the things that happened last night between me and my friend i feel like everything we have achieved over the past 6 months has just been thrown back. I feel like our relationship has grown and when its got as far as it has, its hard to go back. I really still want to be her friend. I really wish for things to stay the way they were but she was honest with me and told me instead of letting it lead on much further. I just feel things were so good and i dont know where this has all came from. It will hurt me to see her with someone else and it could end our friendship, as much as i dont want it to but the possibility is there.

I took 4 cocodamol last night, hoping the codeine would knock me out and it did, i woke up this morning to go to my appointment with community horizons and i had these HUGE black eyes (which i still have might i add). I was late for work at 12 and arrived at 12.35 i left at 2.15 and even then my mum asked me what was wrong cos it was all one word answers and i was quite nippy. I am just so tired!

My mum told me it may be best for me to move nearer to my friend, i told her i wanted to but wasnt gonna cos i thought it would drive her mad and make her angry at me. she just replied with “no i think it would be better cos then when you come over then i know ur over to spend time with me”, so here we go again with the “your not spending enough time with me” thing. Im just sick fed up and i want to be alone. Iv been fighting bad thoughts for about 20 hours now and even though i took 4 cocodamol it was all i had in the house and i didnt go out buy any more tablets today.

I want to phone the MHO but i dont have any credit in my phone and my house phone isnt working. I dunno how im gonna call her. I may go use my mums phone!

I have also decided to leave taekwondo at the moment. I have too much on my plate to deal with.

xxx



{June 10, 2010}   More to add!

I have more to add on my day from hell.

I thought my friend would cheer me up when she came online but it turns out she has been thinking about things that are happening between me and her and has decided it may be best just to call it a day. People in her town are starting to spread rumours about her being “gay” and this is upsetting her. She doesnt want to be labelled “gay” as well as “bipolar”. Basically she wants to be about men more probably to try and even out peoples suspicions of her being gay.

I know i cant just drop what i feel for her and pretend that everything is hunky dorey. I know it will hurt me to see her with a bloke. I have some thinking to do tonight wether i can continue to go over there at the weekends and hope that it doesnt hurt too much, or just forget about it all.

My friend was there for me through everything iv been through, she has helped me stay out of hospital as much as before. My reaction is to overdose but i cant leave my dog, my 2nd reaction to cut through anger but i cant scar myself for my dancing show in 2 weeks. My mind is racing and i dont want to sit still. If i had money id fill the car with petrol and just drive…see how far i get!

I have community horizons tomorrow at 10 and work. I cant see me going to either. I just want to run away!

My friends other close friend has returned back to the town so she wont be alone. I will!

ohh~ It cuts so deep your heart could bleed
no one can see ’cause love leaves no scar
it’s hurtin you, your soul is bruised
but your skin shows no mark…
And deep inside you’re tryin’ to hide
but you know who you are.



{June 3, 2010}   1.03am Wide Awake

Im sitting in bed, wide awake and bored stupid! I looked over my stats for the past day and came across some posts people had looked at from the beginning of this year. All with triggering headings and i decided to re-read one or two of them to find out what i was going through and how i felt. I read one about tramadol and the buzz etc i get from overdosing on it. Alarm bells have started going off in my head and this is one of these times im so glad i have no medication in the house and i am quite happy knowing i cant overdose.

I think i have alot on my plate and reading those posts sort of brought back my “escape route”. Between the psychiatrist tomorrow, not sleeping well, having to leave the house, trying to get my tattoo fixed, packing, money worries etc. I just know its not gonna be a good month.

I hate being wide awake at this time because my brain plays funny buggers with me and i know i am tired as i didnt sleep much. Im so happy with my life at the moment, obviously other than the difficulties but i have my best friend and my dog and i get out the house a few hours a day to help my mum in the shop. Im rather stable and have been for the past 2 months. I hope i can nip any negative thoughts in the bud with the psychiatrist tomorrow.

I just have to type out how i feel, its not to tell anyone im suicidal or anything just a wee note to myself to tell myself how far i have came since the beginning of this year. I havnt overdosed since the end of march thats 2 months now and im so proud of myself.

Im in a good enough frame of mind to know i wont overdose etc its just a wee worry when u remember how the overdose blocked out all the problems and it sounds attractive again.

not to self:

I am not going to overdose because:

- I have someone who loves me and cares for me and will talk to me when i am down. Who needs me around. When i am low they are low, when i am happy they are happy. We share everything and need each other.

- I have my dog, who has noone else! she needs fed, walked, loved and played with. Its just us girls and we gotta fight the world together :D just me and he in our wee house.

- I have became reliable when it comes to meds, I am aware i am not safe with meds even if i am of sound mind, i make sure there is no more than 8 of any one kind of tablet in my house. Other people know this and are pleased. I cant let people down.

- If i ended up in hospital i know it would only make me more depressed with nurses making comments on my previous behaviour in the wards.

- Having to go on a parvolex drip isnt nice even with antihistimenes and hydrocortizone. I itch all over and burn up, i struggle to breath and become very wrestless. I whimper and cry because its so uncomfortable. This can last up to 2 hours.

This blog writing has became a good mindful thing to do as a distraction. A way to turn the negative thought into a positive thought and it has made me realise all the amazing things i have in my life and how i want to get better.

Im going to play some games to tire me out. No more reading tonight!

xxx



{May 24, 2010}   DOCTORS!!!!!

I am seriously upset and pissed off and very angry at everyone and everything all because of stupid doctors.

They put me on amitriptyline to help me sleep but only provide me with 3 a week. This leaves 4 nights i dont take the medication. The nights i do take the ami i sleep a little better and feel generally upbeat the next day, but for those nights i dont take the ami i am restless and get no sleep and my mood the next day is very unpredictable and rapidly going from one extreme to the next. I went basically to say give me either 7 days or give me something else. Amitriptyline is an anti-d and its not somthing you can take as and when required so i have found out.

Well i phoned the surgery at 8.30am and got an appointment for 10.50am with the nurse. I phoned them back and told them it HAD to be a gp as it was to do with medication but apparantly this nurse was able to give out medication and deal with it. WELL when i got there she told me there was no circumstance that she would change my medication and i just have to wait until my doctor gets back from holiday next week. This really angered me and i felt useless and really upset. So i phoned the psychiatrist. He told me to make an appointment with the doc today and they were to sort my medication out TODAY and if they had a problem with it, to phone him. So i wandered over to the surgery and got an appointment for 4.40pm, when i got to the appointment i was informed that really i was just given a random time and there wasnt actually an appointment available and i have to wait until tomorrow.

It is a good thing i am not going away until lunch time tomorrow and they have gave me an appointment for 11.20 but guess what!! my psychiatrist has a surgery that day and time and wont be available. As much as im angry etc just now if the gp cant get ahold of the psychiatrist tomorrow and refuses to give me medication it will be one shitty start to my holiday and i REALLY dont want anything to ruin my holiday thats why i wanted my medication sorted.

I screamed, shouted, ranted and raved the whole way home and had so much anger in myself that i felt i could just grab a big knife and swing it about and not care what part of me i cut open! I obviously know this is not the answer but this is what happens with anger. I dont think logically i just do these things and when i cant do them it makes it worse. I have nothing to calm myself down with.

I am not even aloud my weeks amitriptyline to take away with me. The doctor isnt there to allow the pharmasist to give me a whole fucking 30mg in one week. The starting dose for ami is 40mg and i get 30mg in one week, i mean how stupid are they! I want to cry and i want to scream! I am very angry and i am very tired and emotionally unstable at this moment and i just want to take a time out and calm down.

Im gonna be so upset if they dont sort it out tomorrow because i feel they are not listening to me and i just dont want anything to ruin the holiday for us!



{May 13, 2010}   Its not gone

As much as i tell myself i have been more stable this year and that i must be able to cope better with my emotions when really iv discovered its not gone, i still get the same doubts. Probably not as fast as i previously did but they are certainly still there.

I used to feel abandoned if someone didnt talk to me straight away or txt me back straight away, it made me really low and like people didnt want to talk to me so id pester them. Now it can be a day or a couple of days before i start worrying, sometimes even a change in a persons behaviour makes me slightly more paranoid and upset.

Last night my friend was online but said she was on the phone, 2 hours later she was still on the phone then signed offline and i didnt hear from her again that night even though i tried phoning and txting. Today i didnt hear from her until after 4pm. She told me she would come online and didnt appear online until nearly an hour later. I went to taekwondo and came back and she was online and has barely spoke to me. She wasnt answering me on msn – bearing in mind me and my friend nearly always have a conversation on the go. I started thinking about taking a couple of my amitriptyline just to pass through the night without worry. This is how i know its not gone, its not sorted. If it was sorted it wouldnt have bothered me my friend not talking and id have just got on with my evening instead of planning an early bed with meds. Anyway my friend phoned me when she was out walking the dogs and as per all is ok, its just the usual my mind working overtime and playing games with me.

Its kinda hard to type up here my thoughts on meds etc as my friend reads my blog and i worry she will think if she stops talking to me im going to overdose. I dont plan on any severe overdoses, but i will admit if i think about overdosing i tend to want to take something to help me sleep off the thoughts, such as my amitriptyline or a diazepam, to stop me taking something more lethal such as boxes of paracetamol etc. I think im being logical!

xxx



{May 12, 2010}   Innocence

I was walking through the park today with the pup and i came across 3 children who must have been no older than 11 years old. Two boys and one girl. It was a familiar scene. The 2 boys were obviously friends and one fancied this girl so one of the boys obviously told her that his friend liked her.

On an ice breaker i overheard them start with “20 questions” basically a game where they decided they wanted to ask each other 20 questions. I was sooo shocked with what i heard from their mouths. the questions were along the lines of: “are you gay”, “do you have a penis”, “do you fancy ****”, “would you shag her”, “would you marry her”, ” would you kiss her” and “would u suck his cock” etc (sorry for the language). I was sooo shocked with what i heard. What happened to innocence?

I try to think back to what was on my mind when i was 11! other than complaining about probably a flat tyre on my bike or that my dolls clothes needed washed or playing lego with my younger brother. Considering i was being abused at this age and had been abused for 4 years before and continued to be abused 3 years after. I cant ever remember talking about sex or sexual activities at the age of 11. I think i spoke to my 2 female friends about changes in our bodies as some of them shortly after began having periods etc.

Are they starting sex ed too soon in schools? I had the general female body talk in p7 and didnt get sex ed until about 2nd/3rd year.

Obviously i remember being in primary and having a crush on my classmates as all children do from nursery age up but not once did i mension anything sexual.

Could children being brought up 1. offering sexual pleasures and 2. being offered sexual pleasures, lead to men believing all women want sex therefore mibbe ending with rape and obviously making women believe that you must sleep with a bloke to gain his respect.

I hope that kind of makes sence.



{May 7, 2010}   Mothers

Tonight i decided to spend some time with my mum. When i picked her up the drive to the resturant was quiet. I felt quite tired and really didnt want to go out but i knew i had better make the effort so she doesnt go on about me never spending time with her.

We got into the pub for something to eat and looking around the place was rather empty, but it was small. i spun round and round looking for a decent table. I wanted in and out as quick as i could. I ordered risotto and the conversation between me and mum was very limited. To be honest i dont remember a thing of that was said, well she did mension about wether i wanted to work every 2nd sat in the shop. I was so anxious and wanted out of there. everything was spinning and it was like i couldnt hear. all i could hear was my own thoughts saying get out, get home, this isnt right.

We had our meal in 40 minutes  – in and out. She wanted me to take her to tesco which was about a 15-20 min drive away. I really didnt want to go and felt my heart racing and head spinning but i grinned and had to bare it as she promised me a top. Ended up she bought me a bra, top and cardi.

Then she wanted to go to B&Q and i thought will this evening ever end??? Luckily it wasnt long before my mum needed the toilet and had to go home. we were out from 5.15 to 7.30. Not long but its a long time of anxiety. I grabbed the pup from mums and got into the car and went home. The second i sat on the couch i had a huge sigh of relief. Anxiety lifted!

In conversation with my mum in the car she asked me what i thought of my brothers new girlfriend who i must add has bells palsy and basically her face droops on the one side. My mum started asking me if i was worried people would pick on my brother for being with her? i was shocked and clearly told her that i think my brother was being a real man (for once) he was seeing the girl for something more than her looks. All my mum was worried about was what people would think of my brother dating someone who doesnt look “normal”.

This is the problem with my parents, as much as i love them they will not accept something that is not “normal” such as my sexuality and people will “special” needs. They think mental illness is all in the head (pardon the pun) but i mean like as if you can just snap your fingers and its gone as if your acting. It makes my life difficult and they dont understand things.

Wait until you see my mood chart for today!

xxx



{April 19, 2010}   17.08 My Mask Part 2

Previously i wrote about the mask i was wearing with regards to the abuse i received from my bigger brother, and how i put on a mask to keep the peace with my family and have learnt to keep some form of normal brother sister relationship going with my big brother.

I spoke to the woman at BTS about it again and we continued from where we left off the last time.  I spoke about wanting to move across the water to start a fresh, about wanting to  scream at everyone that i want to move to get away from him. What he done was wrong and i cant take it anymore. I cant take being smothered by my parents and i suppose the ONLY thing thats making me not want to move is the chaos that my mum may cause. She will be upset, angry, she will try the “all i ever wanted was a daughter to spend time with etc”, and then if that doesnt work she will phone my friend with the “convince her not to move over” etc which my friend wouldnt do. My friend will stick up for me and understands my need to move. I want to start fresh, i cant stay here anymore. If i decide to move theres going to need to be a very large plan in place before i even tell my parents.

I want to tell my brother what he done was wrong, and as much as im trying to say “its ok”, its not ok. He was wrong to do what he done. Hes fucked me up for life. I will always have this in my past and i cant change it, i can only deal with it and to deal with it i dont want to talk to him again. As much as this is EXACTLY how i feel, splitting the family is stopping me from doing it and im just plodding along pretending to play happy families. I NEED to get this out! I need to tell him hes still fucking me up and i want to get away from here. I need to try somewhere theres no memories and try and continue with my life.

What do i do?

1. make a plan and then move

2. stay here and keep this mask on

3. stay here and confront my brother on the hope he backs off and leaves me to live my life.

xxx



{April 19, 2010}   15.00 Moods

I forgot to lift my anti-depressant when i went to my friends the other day. I know it can take a while to get out of your system but im not sure how long it can take for the meds to start dipping to a lower level. I havnt taken any since Friday night. Yesterday i felt was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was putting on a brave face but inside all i wanted to do was hug my friend and relax. My friend was on the phone to one of her friends and somehow the conversation of overdose came about. I started to notice myself thinking about my overdoses and feeling the urge to want to do it again. It made me very sad and low to think about it because i didnt want the thoughts to be there. I hid the fact i was quite upset by it until later on that night when i went to the toilet. My little puppy followed as she cant be appart from me. I sat on the toilet looking at her jumping around playfully and it made me upset and angry at myself for the thoughts id had earlier and how i could ever consider leaving my dog. I took the pup and lay on the bed playing with her trying to cheer myself up, she was soo full of energy so i thought i would tire her out by taking her a wee walk having some time just me and her.

I accidently upset my friend by putting on my shoes and saying i was going out a walk with the pup, she said she was coming to which i cheekily said “i want time with the pup alone”. I didnt mean it to sound cheeky but looking back on it i probably could have explained to my friend i was feeling a little low and wanted some time to think over things etc. I spoke to my friend about it when i got back though.

Today has been another mixture of moods and since arriving back home everythings making me cry. I seem to get this way when i havnt had my meds for a day or so. Before i got home i stopped at the chemist at the end of the street to pick up my weekly prescription. She handed me the same small bag as always. Id had a headache from the sun glaring on my face while driving so i asked for paracetamol too on direct care. I told her i didnt trust myself with a box and could the pharmacist give me only 4, 2 for now 2 for later. I was quite proud of myself for being brave enough to ask for only 4 and stating it was because i feel i couldnt trust myself with a box. As much as just now i know i wouldnt take all 32 as im feeling not too bad. If i only take 2 that leaves me with 30 in the cupboard for a day that i may feel rubbish and the temptation being there, plus i just know if i did overdose i wouldnt want to leave my dog so id not go to hospital and could cause myself alot of damage.

So while i was waiting on my paracetamol i opened my little packet to make sure my 7 escitalopram and 1 amitriptyline was there, On looking inside i only noticed my amitriptyline. I questioned the girl at the counter about my escitalopram. They said i got my last prescription the last time. I told her then that it was on repeat and that the pharmacist collects my repeats for me so i was due another 7 on a new prescription. I dont know if she was just trying to get out of it or not but then she had to come and explain to me that they are struggling to get Cipralex in and couldnt give me it. I got into the car and started to cry. As im registered with that chemist i cant hand in or collect prescriptions for myself from the surgery so i couldnt go to another chemist. Im sitting here in tears over something as stupid as no tablets. This is when i know how much it can affect me not to take my tablets. She told me she had been trying to get more since last tuesday to no such luck but will keep trying. I have no idea how long it could be. I have 1 escitalopram in the cupboard and dunno wether to take it or not. Wether there is even much point if she cant get me anymore just now. I tried lloyds chemist at the corner incase they had some and they stated they too were having problems getting any. I REALLY dunno what to do. wether i am being childish about it or not.

I have BTS in 40 minutes and i dont know how this is going to be. I had planned to go to dancing tonight but i feel like an emotional wreck! All over stupid tablets. I think i have some kalms so i may try one of them. If it gets too much im gonna need to take my amitriptyline and just sleep until tomorrow to see if there has been any luck in getting the meds in or not. Im soooo worked up and feel like everything is 100mph. I hate how things go from fine to awful in minutes! I am worried. If i wasnt on weeklies id have enough to pass me by until they could find more. I know its my own doing but at the same time. How can i trust that im always going to get these meds that keep me on the straight and narrow. May need to stash some!

xxx



{April 15, 2010}   20.34 Prescription

Today has been a busy day. I eventually got to the doctors, i phoned them at 8.30am and got an appointment for 9.30am. When i got there i got the usual lecture from my GP about overdosing and how this time it landed me a section. She was worried about my state of mind at the point because of something in the report. I wont know what the report said until i get a copy sent out. I told her the MHO thought it a good idea to have some medication as back up incase i cant sleep because if i dont sleep my mood is low and it is more likely to make me act more spontaneously and not think about my actions before doing them. She thought for a while about this – knowing what i was saying was making sence but at the same time worrying about giving me an addictive drug and any quantity of them. In the end she decided to allow me amitriptyline 10mg tabs. She was wanting to give me one a day on daily pick up. I told her im away friday to monday every week and it wasnt advisable, so she decided she would stick to 3 tablets weekly but at the same time im not allowed all 3 tablets at once i have to get them 2 days appart. As far as iv read amitriptyline is also an antidepressant i wasnt aware you could take 2 anti depressants at the same time. I know it says it is also used for insomnia, all i can do is try it.

I feel like a junkie going into the chemist every day/week for a measly few tablets. I suppose it was my own doing and i really dont trust myself with having any more tablets, its just embarrasing.

I finally got back to Taekwondo today for the first time since my grading and i enjoyed it. We done some sparring and i wasnt as tired as i have been before which was lucky. I came home to a really excited pup who was missing her mum and is now quity happily playing on the floor with her blanket and lion teddy. Although the house is still a little quiet and such at least it feels lived in and i have my pup to keep me company. I love her so much.

Im not going to my friends until Saturday this week as i have to spend time with my mum on sat afternoon just to keep the peace. As much as i love my mum etc id much rather be with my friend. That may sound nasty but when you get in a routine to change it can cause problems. Im sitting here my heart racing because i have to wait an extra day to see my friend and i know shes not too good just now, i just want to go and cheer her up and having to wait an extra day to do that worries me. Im sure ill live but im gonna miss not being there tomorrow night.



{April 15, 2010}   5.38 Pissed off

Im totally pissed off with my sleeping patterns. Im definately phoning the doctor this morning. Iv had 2 hours sleep and am wide awake at this stupid hour. Its no wonder i have no notion for taekwondo or dancing. When i dont sleep my mood becomes low and i can become very spontaneous which for me is dangerous, so i must go to the doctors and get something for this or i could end up very low.

Its been playing on my mind that i only have 2 months to make my decision as to wether im staying here or moving and i really dunno what to do. I want the chance to move away and have fun, experience something new and different but still within a drive to my parents and hobbies but i suppose at the same time im worried about arranging benefits and what my parents may say. I know everything here but i think that could be the problem. I want to go where im not known and start over. im very stressed about it all.

xxx



{April 14, 2010}   21.13 Scunnered

For those who dont know what scunnered means – it means fed up!

I had quite a restless night. The pup slept on my pillow all night and had peed on the other one so i slept on the matress. It was the only way i would sleep. I was scared to wake the pup up incase she started jumping about again. I set my alarm for 8.30 to phone and make a docs appointment but when the alarm went off i changed my mind. I may do it tomorrow even though i have to go to mums shop tomorrow and work.

I had a generally not bad day but i was really fed up. I got up and got ready and went along to my mums shop with the pup for a few hours then nipped into town for a new belt, then i took the pup down the beach and spoke to my friend on the phone for a bit while i wandered along the beach, i then headed home!

I read my friends blog and seen that she has had urges to cut herself. Iv tried to get ahold of her just to chat to her, see how shes feeling and talk her through what could be a bad time. I just like her to know im there for her and i am not going to judge her or her actions. I told her id be on around 9pm so im waiting to see if she comes on.

Im currently clearing out my house incase i have to move in a few months. It means i will have less junk to move. I have put a few items of furniture up for sale and am hoping they will help me pay off some debt and it means any money i can save from now can go towards the little holiday im going to take my friend on as a well done for all her hard work with her exposure. We were wanting to go away in the next month or so and also for her birthday in October. I just want to treat her and tell her she is special.

I keep dreaming about moving away. I keep dropping hints to mum incase i decide to move in July or not. Telling her im fed up here and want to get away from all the carry on. Today i got a message on facebook from my cousins ex boyfriend telling me that my cousin slept with my fiance when i was in hospital for the first time with my first overdose. I had suspisions about this before when he told me he was going to the cinema with a friend and i found out he was actually going with my cousin. I was also told by a few people that she was hanging around my house with my fiance when i was in hospital. Many times i pulled them up but both denied it – as they would. To now have her ex boyfriend messaging me telling me this, he wouldnt know anything about things that have happened in the past unless she had told him. Id really like not to believe it as much as i love my cousin and loved my fiance id like to think they wouldnt have done it. My cousin has always been jelous of me and things i do and always wants to be like me so its understandable she wanted my man. Since she found out about my “status” shes told me shes had thoughts too but has never acted on them. Its nice to be looked up to i suppose but theres a point when u just want to live ur own life as an individual. She has been babied all her life by my nana. Cant go anywhere without my nana needing to know who shes with, where shes going and when she will be back. She wants the freedom that i have of my own house, hobbies and great friends.

I dont know wether to trust my cousin on this but why should i? theres only one person i can trust at the moment and thats my friend. She hasnt lied to me at any point she has spoken the truth, everyone else has stabbed me in the back at some point and i really have no reason to trust anyone else. Iv always told my friend from the beginning to be honest with me, as much as honesty can hurt its the best policy and works for us.

Sorry for the ramble

xxx



{April 14, 2010}   23.56 One of those nights

Its been a long night. My puppy just wont settle. Shes been jumping around the bed for 3 hours. When i put her on the floor shes in at EVERYTHING. Im quite stressed tonight. I remembered i had 1 diazepam left so iv taken that just to chill me out a wee bit. Im hoping thats the pup settled now too shes lying asleep on my pillow.

I didnt manage to my street dance class tonight as i was promised £20 but somehow i never got it. All i had was £5 and i had to get dinners and some bread etc with it. Im really worrying about money. I have so much to pay to so many people. I also have ALOT of things to take care of and i dunno where to start. I need to phone places, write letters, fill out forms. Im just not winning and need a bit of support in doing some of these things.

I feel like i could cry, im really not managing to keep ontop of things – mainly bills. I wish i had a job so i could survive by myself and also treat my friend and i at weekends to a take away.

I bought myself and my friend pandora bracelets. We have made an agreement that we cant buy beads for ourselves only for each other. We love buying each other little mindings and i thought this would be a nice, easy and cheap way to say “huni im thinking about you” Beads are not expensive from ebay just a few pounds each and there are so many different designs. My friend likes mainly the proper bead shaped ones and the ones with diamantes. I like the pretty shapes and the ones with diamantes too.

My friend and i are also both wanting to get tattoos. She would like 3, 1 of which to cover up a tattoo she already has, a quote and a name. I fancied a quote myself and have chosen “dancing is like dreaming with your feet” but im not sure where to get it. I think id like it around my wrist, probably on my left side as my right side has all the tattoos, right ankle and right hip. So i think i need one on the left side.

Tomorrow is a day where i have nothing planned. Probably take the puppy a walk and phone the doc to see about getting regular zopiclone or diazepam. I know they are reluctant to prescribe it for 2 reasons, 1. Its addictive and 2. I overdose. Im pretty sure they can prescribe me 2 weekly incase i need them. If i give them the reasonable talk of “give me 2 a week incase i dont sleep etc as when i dont sleep i become low and am more likely to overdose” they should be more likely to go ahead with it.

The MHO is referring me back to the psychiatrist. Im kinda fed up being flung about here there and everywhere and noone seems to want to take responsability for whats to happen with me. I hope i get a support worker and if i do i suppose something good has actually came from me being sectioned. Not that id like to admit that i suppose.

Its this time of night when everyones gone to bed and im sitting here awake that my mind plays overtime. For once im quite happy for my mind to be going 100mph as i have taken a wee diazepam which will kick in soon and should calm it down and also im satisfied in knowing i have no harmful meds in the house. All i have is 10 days Escitalopram and thats it. Im very proud of myself that i threw everything else out. I know i am safe, and i am very content and happy knowing temptation isnt there!

The puppy is asleep on my pillow, finally. so i suppose ill get some shut eye.

nite!

xxx



{April 13, 2010}   The MHO

The MHO came to do my assessment thing and is not long away. She asked ALOT of questions! My mum was sitting with me for the first part until we started getting into more detail such as my reasons for overdosing etc, my mum took the dog out the back for a while to let me and the MHO talk.

Somehow it came about that i had a knife with me in hospital. I didnt think much of it at first when i was asking but it has been a reoccuring question. When the nurse was making my bed i took my bag into the toilet sprayed myself with deodurant and got into my pyjammas. At that point a nurse walked in and asked what i was doing. Obviously my legs were all scarred! I said just putting my pyjammas on and then went to bed. When the doctor came round asking if i had a knife on me and i stated no i had no idea where the accusation had came from. The MHO mensioned it aswell and i told her no i didnt have one and if they really thought i had one why didnt they search my bag like they normally do.

Anyway i didnt have a knife or extra mediation with me i just wanted out of there and wasnt gonna do anything else that would make me stay in for longer.

The MHO said i clearly wasnt a risk to anyone other than myself and that she thinks my puppy is the best thing for me – she told this to my mum aswell. I told her i wanted proper support on a week to week basis and she was VERY shocked i havnt been receiving any. She is going to write a letter to both the psychiatrists with the report and send me a copy too. She asked about my childhood and qualifications. Basically everything thats happened in my life! I told her about the abuse and seeing BTS, being bullied in school, parents not believing me about the abuse, my previous self harm etc. She totally agrees with the BPD diagnonsense. She has left me her name, number and address to contact her and let her know what support has been put in place and if non she is going to get something sorted for me, she feels it is important i see someone on a weekly basis and also feels it necessary for me to have some form of sleeping tablet (Zopiclone) or diazepam for evening – even a couple to add to my weekly prescription. I told her i feel lower when i have lack of sleep so feel these kind of meds would make a big difference in my life. I will phone the GP tomorrow.

I feel hopeful that something will be done this time and that i will receive the support i should have had a long time ago. If it doesnt happen this time i will feel very let down and like im not important and not worthy of the NHS services.

xxx



{April 11, 2010}   13.19 Sunday 11th

I went to my friends on friday (im still here at the moment). Weve been having a good time. We went a run in the car when she picked me up from the boat and dropped in to see a friend that was over at his caravan, then came back home. We didnt do much that night we were pretty tired really, so we had a relatively early-ish night.

On Saturday we had planned to go a long drive but didnt get up until late and realised it was way too late to go. We decided to go back to the caravan park as they had a family fun day on. It wasnt really that fun to be honest, but the weather was gorgeous. When me and my friend got back we decided to drop the dogs in the house and go a walk round to the pub. We went to 2 pubs and sat outside chatting about things and just having sensible fun for once, nothing silly or mischevious just some fun and general chit chat. After that we decided just to get something from the chip shop and walk home where we had a few drinks too. Yet again a sensible evening where we went to bed at 1am – ish.

Today we planned to go that drive we were going yesterday but yet again it may be too late to go as far as we planned but im sure we will get a fair bit of a drive today, and again the weather is gorgeous. It will be a great day to give the dogs a nice walk.

Im enjoying my weekend and when i look back over the carry on i caused a few weeks back it makes me wonder why i done it. Why i could sacrifice this amount of happiness for a stupid overdose. I really dont know why i done it. My life is full of happiness really! I will speak to the MHO about it on tuesday and see what she says. Hopefully i will get some form of support worker or something to help me with things i am struggling with, or just to talk to about things because the only one i feel comfortable talking to about things is my friend and its not fair on her to be landed with my problems all the time when she has her own too. She has been a really good support to me through everything and our friendship must have been worth saving. I cant stand being away from her or knowing i would never see or speak to her again. She really is a true best friend!

xxx



{April 6, 2010}   9.40am Sat 3rd

Iv read some comments on my ‘friends’ blog which stated people thought i was giving people with mental health problems a bad name. The only reason i acted like i did was because i didnt want to be in hospital over the weekend. But i dont need to explain myself to anyone.

I regret what i done but its in the past, i cant take it back i just have to live with the concequences. I REALLY didnt think i would be sectioned for something as silly as a minimal overdose but aparantly its because my moods are rapidly cycling. One minute im fine and chatty the next im crying my eyes out. They said they cant take the chance of me being alone at the moment. I think my mood was a bit fucked up because i hadnt slept properly for 36 hours so my emotions were all over the place. Im not gonna sit and moan about what iv done much more or why i done it. I have explained it enough in the past few blogs. Think what you like really.

Im waiting to be moved either downstairs to the psych ward or 15 miles to the psych hospital. Depends if there are beds downstairs. I didnt get to sleep until around 4am. The girl that was on one to one with me escorted me to the lifts to get juice from the machine. I phoned mum and we sat out there and chatted for an hour or so.

Im still in pain from my P.I.D but iv not seen the doc yet this morning so ill say when he comes round.

I had a shower this morning and put some clothes on so i feel alot more refreshed. The ward is busy. It is the same 2 nurses on today that were on yesterday so they are aware of my situation and have been for a long while because of my previous overdoses. They have been chatting while doing the bed baths trying to get me to think about doing something creative. I would like to go back to work in my mums shop and give me some more routine during the day. It all depends if my dad gets the job he has an interview for on tuesday. My mum id going into hospital in a couple of weeks and needs me to run the shop for 2/3 weeks while she recovers from surgery. Im quite looking forward to it.

Its 10am now still no sign of doctors. Hoping to be out of admissions ward and off one to one by lunch time.

xxx



{April 6, 2010}   22.27 – Friday 2nd

Its been a long boring day. The police broke into my house just after i wrong my blog. They used a spade to jar the door open, kindly provided by my neighbour. Two police at the front door, two at the back door and my two neighbours too. They arrested me (without vuffs) and took me back to the ward to finish off the parvolex drip – A 4hour bag and 2 8 hour bags. They finished at about 5.30pm today.

I spoke to my ‘friend’ on the phone for a while last night. She has told me she never wants to speak to me again. We had so much fun together and its breaking my heart. Normally friendships drift appart they never tend to just END. Its made me wonder: Whats the best friend for me?

Friend number 1 who has a mental illness herself, knows the mental health system but sometimes refuses to believe my experience with the MHT like im making it up

OR

Friend number 2, who has no mental illness or experience of the mental health system but will always be a listening ear and will stand by me through it all.

Iv known friend 1 for 9 months. The past 3 months we have spent every weekend together having fun. We have had ALOT of bad times too which really do stress me out, but the good times were amazing.

AND

Iv known friend 2 for nearly 4 years, we have been close up until a year ago when we slowly drifted apart but she always has time for me, will listen to me and never judge me.

Im pretty sure you are all saying friend number 2 right?

Problem being i shared something special with friend 1. Memories ill never forget but also never wanted to end. So why do i proceed to fuck up all the good things in my life? Life couldnt have been better really. I was having the best time with my friend. I was getting my puppy, i was thinking of moving to the area my friend stays across the water and get a job – to proceed with my happiness, why did i fuck it all up?

It makes me really upset to know i wont hear of see her again. People say shes just angry but i know she means it. I keep telling myself if she was a true friend she would come back which calms me down and makes me think that i didnt mean that much to her, but going by the bond we shared im not sure if thats true or not.

Im being transferred to a psych ward tomorrow morning or afternoon. They think my moods are too rapid to chance letting me go home. I phoned my mum and told her. She assured me my pup will still be there waiting on me when i get home. Aparantly she fell in mums pond earlier – silly pup.

Since coming into hospital iv been on a one to one with bank staff, being even allowed to pee in privacy. I cant leave the bed, i cant look in my bag. Nothing.

I wish i had my friend back, i wish i hadnt done it. We all make stupid mistakes

xxx



{April 1, 2010}   Detained

Well here goes, what an eventful night/day.

I was lying in bed last night watching tv, generally not being able to sleep as per and this stupid idea came into my head to take paracetamol. So i did. I took 18! Not alot i know but still enough to technically overdose. I thought id get some sleep after that but i started being sick. I regretted what i done and decided id go to hospital to get my paracetamol levels checked. It turns out your paracetamol levels need to be between 0 and 7, mine were 116. I didnt believe the doctor so he showed me the paper.

I realised id made an awful mistake to go to hospital as if my friend found out i was in there she would never want to talk to me again, so i begged and pleaded to go home. I got told if i refused to stay i would be sectioned. I didnt think anything of it and decided id best go to the ward but i was in an awful state. I sat on the edge of the bed in tears. 2 drips hanging out me, one in either arm, One with parvolex the other with just some fluids in it. I refused to give the nurse my admission details – i didnt like that nurse anyway. I told her i was going home and fought with her while pulling the drip out my arm. The solution covered her and the floor. She was MAD! She said id be sectioned if i didnt get the drip too and went off to get the doctor, so i ran! I got in my car and i got home. I went to bed and slept for an hour until i heard a chap. Policeman number 1 at the door. he was making sure i was ok and i told him i was refusing to go to hospital so he left. I went back to bed, the phone rang – noone interesting, then at 10am policeman number 2 and 3 were there at my door. they were trying to get permission to detain me and ended up staying in my house until 11.30am when i got the all clear to stay at home.

Needless to say 10 minutes later i got a phonecall from the CMHT asking me to go have a chat with them, so i did. at 12pm i spoke to a phsyc doc, mho and cpn. i refused time after time to go and get treatment because i knew they would never detain me…WELL they did!

In sheer pannick i txt my friend and asked if i could go to hers before i was carted away! Needless to say i was right. My friend wasnt pleased and obviously doesnt want anything else to do with me. I ran out of the office in tears and jumped in the car, the cpn ran behind me until i started the car and drove off. I sat down the beach for a while listening to the sea in the sun, then i came home and iv locked myself in my bedroom hoping if anyone chaps the door it will look like no signs of life.

I have lost my friend and more than likely my puppy.

This is what iv done, this is what im gonna need to live with! I push people too far until they can take no more. I care for people in the hope they return the favour but clearly my patience etc is alot higher than others. Anyway theres a chap at my door now! I better hide i suppose before they break the bloody door down.

xxx



{March 29, 2010}   My Mask?

I wasnt sure what i was going to speak about to the woman at BTS today, but as per usual the words just come pouring out. I found out a few things from my friend about my mum. That night my mum phoned my friend in a drunken state, my mum told my friend that i was a compulsive liar and attention seeker. She said she never believed i had a miscarriage and that i deliberately wanted to make my nephews birthday all about me by being in hospital and xmas too. This wasnt the case. I thought id be out hospital for my nephews birthday and as for xmas i had been having seizures and wanted to leave hospital on xmas day, got to reception and collapsed again and woke up in A&E and just got transferred back up to the ward.

I had just started to build bridges with my mum and tell her things but now i cant, i just cant fall for it anymore. She swept it under the carpet when i got abused by my brother and shes swept all these things under the carpet simply because she thinks im lying and attention seeking. Shes just finally told me she believes these things but contradicts herself by telling my friend i lied about the whole lot. If i had lied about it all to get my friends attention do you think i would have involved my parents?

We got talking about my friend wondering why i can visit my parents when my brother “my abuser” stays in the same house. I came to the conclusion the reason it doesnt seem to bother me was because i had to hide it for so long, and pretend to act like we had a normal brother sister relationship for years. Even when my parents swept it under the carpet i had to learn to pretend to get on with my brother to save hurting or splitting the family. This we called my mask. When is it time for me to take the mask off and actually say what he done was not ok and i dont want to see him again. At this time im still in the stage of accepting what he done as part of my life and that im still keeping my mask on to save upset.

We also spoke about how my mother still treats me as a child. She needs to hear from me everyday or see me. If she doesnt hear or see me she pannicks and phones the hospital. She has phoned my house phone 3 times today. 1 time i wasnt in the mood to answer, 2nd time i was in the bath and 3rd time i was in bed and didnt make it to the phone. I need to phase out this every day contact. She needs to know i am an adult and i want to get on with my life as an adult and she doesnt need to treat me like a child anymore.

I have been looking at jobs further away, more across the water. So i can move there away from here and i can see my mum once a week and phone her every 2nd day or so. She must know i am an adult and can deal with my life.

I had a good chat with my friend last night about these things. Im just so angry that my mum said these things and made my friend wonder who was telling the truth and who was lying. My friend means alot to me, just as much as my mum does, but at this moment in time i think my friend has more respect and time for me than my own mother has. People may think that a grown woman of my mums age would be less likely to lie than a 22 y/o with BPD well the truth is I think my mum has issues too!!!



{March 25, 2010}   The Circle

Why does it feel like im in a circle? Like noone wants me and just keep passing me on to the next person and before i know it im back to the beginning. There have been a few circles, my original circle started as gp -> Psychiatrist referral. When i first overdosed it went Hospital Admission -> Psych liason -> Psychiatrist referral -> Crisis Follow up -> Psychiatrist Appointment -> Primary Care Referral -> Primary Care Appointment -> Referred for Councelling -> Discharged from Psychiatrist. Then it starts again.

I went to the GP today to see about Diazepam to calm me down during the moments of anxiety, basically to try and stop me doing something stupid. I asked about the Psychiatrists diagnonsense of BPD and her reply was “And what do you want me to do about it?” I really am stuck and dont know what support im entitled to or how i go about getting someone to listen to me to get the right help. I just feel like noone is listening and im being abandoned by the mental health system.

I got a couple of diazepam. My friend and i sat laughing as she asked how many tablets i have been trusted with this time. my reply being “2, 2mg diazepams”. We laughed hysterically as it is soo stupid. I told her for a laugh that i didnt think life was worth living and i think ill go overdose on my 2 diazepams haha. We had a wee giggle about that too.

I thought id pop up and see my puppy at my mums while she was out. I got there and before getting out the car i went to get my mums house key and realised she has kindly removed it from my keys. Oh well there goes seeing my pup for another 4/5 days or so. I just cant face my mum at the moment. Im not ready to be shot down.

When my mum is in a mood she just doesnt talk. Its like im standing talking to myself, she keeps walking away from me and ignoring me, not saying a word then it makes me upset and angry. If i go there and she does that it will hurt me and if im not in the correct state of mind it could go 1 of 2 ways. 1. i get upset because shes not talking and come home and self harm or 2. I get angry, scream, shout, then get upset and probably self harm. To be honest i dont want to self harm so im just avoiding the situation at the moment all together.

Iv had 2 hours sleep. I woke at 8.30am to make my docs appointment then got some washing done, went to the docs and came back and had lunch. I have Taekwondo tonight as i need to pay for my grading  which is on sunday. I might be going to my friends tonight after Taekwondo which will cheer me up. Iv been in a relatively good mood for about 12 hours or so now. Although my P.I.D is back with a vengance. Getting an awful shooting pain at the right side and iv trusted myself to take TWO paracetamol without swallowing the whole packet. Iv taken that many paracetamol before even the thought of taking paracetamol makes me sick so 2 is more than enough. Imagine sickening yourself of paracetamol, thats bad isnt it?

My friend has her MHO this afternoon and i know that what happened on friday between me and my mum is going to be brought up. Im ashamed of what happened but im more ashamed my mum phoned my friend telling her to tell me she never wanted to see me again. It angers me that my mum cant see me be happy and be jelous of my friends! I see my mum 5 days out of 7 and she cant allow me 2/3 days with my best friend! Im 22 i need friends not just my mum. Apparantly 5 days out of 7 isnt good enough.  I dont really want to pile all of my problems onto my friend. As a friend i blabber generally about whats going on in my life and she gives me some good advice but i dont want her worrying about things too much as she has her own problems and needs to concentrate on herself.

Just sitting here looking at the state of the place. In peoples eyes my house is spotless but not to me. I know i need to dust and clean the bathroom, wash the floors, clean the suite, dry the bedding, do the ironing etc I better get started then chill for a bit before Taekwondo.

xxx



{March 24, 2010}   Presuming

I read my friends blog and alot of things she said were true but then i realise how selfish i have been lately. My friend must be able to concentrate on herself and her own emotions without worrying about hurting me. I need to take responsability for my actions and let her know that, i know she would never deliberately hurt me and needs to think about herself.

I think some of my actions are all down to me presuming what im doing is what people want. When im low i want people around to cheer me up so when my friend is low i presume thats what she would like so ask her if she would like me over etc. She may think im pestering her to go over but really its just because i know that when im alone i like a bit of company to cheer me up. I now know that she likes to be alone as if she has company she tends to put a mask on her feelings and when that person leaves the emotions all come back again, so really its not helping at all.

Iv always told my friend to be honest with me. Honesty is the best key in my eyes. The truth hurts sometimes but at the end of the day its the truth!

I had planned to go over to my friends from Thurs – Sat this week since i have my taekwondo grading on Sunday and will have to leave early. We will see how my friend is feeling and if she would still like my company for a couple of days or wether she would rather be alone. I know she is completely annoyed by her MHO who keeps making appointments to see her and lately shes just not been turning up for them (the mho that is). She doesnt even phone my friend to say she cant make it, it is left up to my friend to phone the office to find out whats happened to her. Its not really professional. As much as this woman is really nice and understanding, she is working with vunerable people and needs to remember these people need routine as much as anyone else, and i just know if it was me who had made an appointment and got shot down at the last minute, i would feel abandoned due to my abandonment issues. It can be very upsetting or even have really heavy concequenses to continuously be let down. I can understand how my friend is feeling and im pretty sure if she could speak to her MHO she would feel much better as she hasnt really spoken to her or seen her for over 2 weeks now. Its a long time considering they see each other at least once a week.

My friend hasnt slept and came online to tell me about her MHO etc, she asked me to phone her in 2 hours to wake her up so she doesnt sleep too long. I told her i didnt think 2 hours was long enough for the length of time shes been awake and that id phone in 3 hours and wake her up at 7pm.

This is what i call friendship!

xxx



{March 23, 2010}   Lucky!

I would like to think im lucky. Not because of everything that happened over friday and saturday in my drunkness but because i have the worlds best ever best friend. If it hadnt been for my best friend in the early hours of sat morning taking time out of her sleep to talk sence into me i may not have been here today.

I am very angry at my behaviour and my mums behaviour on friday night. I got over emotional being drunk and having lost my £300 phone which wasnt insured. My mum wouldnt leave my house so i phoned the police on her. She dared me really. I just wanted to go to bed and sleep.

My dad came and collected my mum and took her home. On her way out she told me if i was going to cut myself to do it right. Hence for the pictures in the post below. Not that i done it right anyway and obviously im still here. When my mum got home she phoned my best friend and told her she was to tell me she never wanted to see me again, and that she was taking me away from my mum. When my best friend told me this i was so embarrased and ashamed but yet again so surprised that my friend was actually still talking to me after my mums disgusting behaviour.

I didnt sleep that night and was a complete state when i went to argos to buy a cheap mobile phone. I packed my bag, bought my friend a mcdonalds and headed across the water. I got a taxi to my friends door as she was still in bed. I was so glad to see her.

I have the bestest best friend in the world.

Not all friends would wake up at 2am to answer an insulting phonecall from ur mum and still stick around.

Not all friends would sit on the phone until the early hours of the morning, knowing you were really upset and have self harmed and there may be a chance of overdose, just to make you laugh and see that life is worth living when you have best friends like her.

Not all best friends would let you stay at their house an extra day into the week because you dont feel ready to return home.

Not all best friends are like my best friend!

Thanks huni xxx



{March 20, 2010}   Im sorry

Hey everyone im sorry. Im drunk and i may not make any sence. it was my mums idea to go out and get drunk. i wanted to feel sexy and talk to some guys. but mum being mum. thinks im a tart!!!!!!! sorry for the silly punctuation but i am reasonably drunk. im very very upset my mum had phoned my friend and has decided to disown me. I upset. In anger iv cut all my leg. my bathroom is covered in blood. my friend wont answer her phone. i want to leave. i want to die. i dont want to be here anymore. please someone take me away!!!! im crying im so upset. i just wanted fun instead i have a house covered in blood and i am so upset and worried what my friend may thing of me as my mum has phoned her and blamed her for all the upset. I lost my mobile and if my mum has caused me to loose the best friend i ever had i will never forgive her. NEVER. i dont care shes trying to bribe me with never getting a puppy but i dont care. i want to be ok! i want stability! she doesnt care for me shes tryin to bribe me. I didnt plan to get this drunk all i wanted was some fun and to pass some time so i could get to my friends and now iv caused all these problems and my mum being so stupid said i was being childish cos i lost my mobile. theres blood everywhere! im alone! i have noone, noone wants me anymore. im better off not here. im serious this time! tramadol, paracetamol, phone an ambulance then hang myself from the banister! NO MORE PAIN! NO MORE PAIN!!!!!



{March 19, 2010}   Diagnonsense

I phoned my psychiatrist today as i was able to pick between an appointment today at 12pm or monday at 10am. I picked monday at 10am but changed my mind this morning and decided id rather see her before the weekend.

When i got there i knew she wasnt really going to listen to me and become very repetative, she didnt disappoint. I told her i had been feeling low for the past 2 weeks and that i wanted to overdose but i didnt, that i had cut myself instead. She seems to think that if i am satisfied that i no longer want to be with my ex then i should be happy and everything is perfect and hunky dorey. This isnt the real reason for my depression though, its just numerous things such as nasty comments, feeling abandoned etc.

While i was talking to her i noticed a nicely typed up and printed sheet of information about me infront of her. This being information about me i kept glancing at it when she wasnt looking to see what they had been saying.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Name: ***************************************
D.O.B: **/06/1987
Diagnosis: EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

***** has been admitted to hospital on numerous occasions through depression which has led her to impulsively overdose and self harm. ***** admits to feeling she has problems with attachment and abandonment and has no proper suicidal intentions but is not bothered about the concequences of her actions and what damage it may do to her body.

******* has good eye contact in sessions and seems to understand the main topics and can give apropriate feedback. She also becomes clearly anxious and frustrated during sessions and states she has no ability to plan her future.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

It was alot longer than that but that was the basic idea of the notes.

I questioned the psychiatrist about why my notes state my diagnosis was Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and that i was never told thats what i had. She shrugged much to my annoyance. She told me in a previous session she thought thats what i had but didnt like to diagnose it. Well clearly the diagnonsense is there.

We spoke about my medication and she has agreed to put my Escitalopram up to 20mg per day and has also discharged me from the CMHT which im not overly pleased about because yet again i feel abandoned but i suppose im glad i have a diagnosis but now i need to find out what my rights are as to getting help to deal with it since i am now discharged.

If anyone else knows what follow ups etc i should have or am entitled too feedback would be great.

xxxx



{March 18, 2010}   The Waiting Game

Iv spent most of today in waiting rooms. I went to the doctors first thing and it was only the nurse i could see. She steri stripped my arm and demanded i go to A&E. I told her i had cut before alot deeper than that and that steri strips are fine. She was for having none of it. She asked me to sit in the waiting room. Five minutes later she called me back in and stated she had spoken to the Doctor and the doctor has phoned A&E to say i will be up and to call the psych team to come see me.

I hesitantly went to A&E and sat waiting yet again. Got seen by Triage and sat and waited AGAIN. The nurse checked out my wound and said it was fine (like i told the nurse at the surgery) and i was asked to wait yet again for the psych team to come. It was a guy this time and as always it was a complete waste of time talking to him. I knew he couldnt help so i got up and walked out of A&E. He phoned me later to say i had an appointment with the pdoc on monday morning to get my meds reviewed as he thinks an increase may do me good.

I went to my medical assessment appointment and they stated they were running late when i got there so there would be yet another wait. I sat in the waiting room for an hour! In that hour i started getting anxious and worrying about what was going to happen. I sat with a magazine and flicked through the pages. I couldnt read it, i was just looking for something to do. I looked over the mag every now and again to see people across the room staring at me then my arm. I had my cardigan on but because the cut is so low down the white hypafix was showing. I gave in on the magazine and started pacing the waiting room. Tears running down my face because i just wanted out of there. I turned around and see a woman whispering to her man and her man looking at my arm. I started screaming at the woman to stop talking about me and to say it out loud. The receptionist asked me to leave the building and calm down before my appointment then she escorted me outside. I managed to gather myself together for my appointment that was over and done with in 10 minutes. I was glad to get back out and into the car.

I drove back home and now im here! Worrying what is in store for me tonight. What mind games are going to be played with me.

xxx



{March 17, 2010}   Worried

I found out my friend didn’t make it to her presentation. She was anxious and started panicking about going so she didnt go. Im really really worried about her. She has turned her phone off and isnt answering her house phone. She was online less than half an hour ago and i wish she had just popped online to speak to me. I feel so helpless. I worry she will harm herself. I just want to hold her and tell her im there for her, like all best friends should be.

This is why i hate the fact we are so far appart. If it had just been a simple car journey i would have went but the fact i have to get a boat too and plus i think she needs sleep. I want to cry because i cant help. I want to talk to her, tell her im there for her. When shes upset im upset, i just want to take all her pain away.

On days like this i just want to knock myself out and sleep till it all goes away. I think its my coping mechanism. Sleep away my problems. I lay on the couch for an hour or so earlier but couldnt sleep for coughin constantly.

Dad is coming down later for the kitchen scales to weigh the puppies to give them their worming stuff tomorrow and also some wood from the shed as mums going to move the puppies into the dining room and needs to block them in.

Im worried! :'(

xxx



{March 16, 2010}   Addicted?

When i feel low i just want something that will take it all away. This bad cold and cough has returned. well the cough never really left. But i found myself drinking benylin straight out the bottle, Probably ALOT more than i should have. It knocked me out within half an hour. I was meant to get up at 8.30am for a shower then go to the rent office to sort out my benefit with them. I was then to pick up a friend and go shopping, but………I didnt get up until 11am when the postman knocked the door. I didnt even have a shower (disgusting i know) and just threw some clothes on and ran to the rent office. I forgot to lift half the forms i needed to take with me aswell, but i still managed to get it sorted out without the forms. I then went a drive to town and got 2 pairs of jeans, 2 tshirts and socks for £15 – bargain. I didnt take my friend with me because i was in such a hurry as i had my housework visit to do at 1pm.

I find myself sitting here wanting to drink more benylin. Am i addicted to the feeling of drowsiness? Other than needing the cough medicine for my actual cough im still taking alot more than i should have. The last time i used this i slept all day and night constantly as it really does knock me out just as much as Zopiclone does.  I need to take more benylin. Iv not had any in 12 hours and my cough is sooo bad. Im just worried i become so addicted to the stuff as previously iv became addicted to anything thats knocked me out – just for the buzz. It sounds weird, i feel like a junkie looking for a kick and only being able to get it from an over the counter cough syrup. I have dancing tonight too so i dont want to be drowsy for that but i may take some and lie on the couch and watch tv on the hope that ill be awake enough for 9pm tonight.

My mobile phone has been cut off because i cant afford to pay the bill. Im hoping to be able to pay my car and some of my phone at the weekend to get it working again. Its like iv lost a limb not being able to txt or phone people.

My ex was supposed to be coming down tonight and YET AGAIN he has phoned to cancel. His brother is getting a new car and he has to take him to pick it up. He has been down here once this year. He has made arrangements over 10 times to come down and has never made it. He was meant to come yesterday but never arrive or even phone me to say he wasnt coming, then i got a phonecall from him today saying he cant come tonight but will come tomorrow. Im just fed up with all this and want his stuff gone.

I get a bit worried about my friend when im not there. When im with her at the weekends i feel i can kind of encourage her to keep some normality in her life such as sleeping, eating etc. When im not there her sleep patterns are terrible – sometimes not sleeping for a few days. I wonder if she feels alone or down because she has noone there or wether me being there gives her a little prompt to do things. I found myself lookin for flats in her area as i enjoy it that much there but i dont think i could move there. I wouldnt like to invade her space or my space and i have too many hobbies etc here that id be doing alot of travelling just to get to them. I just wish there was some way i could help her keep normality without invading either of our spaces. She knows if she EVER needs me i will drop what im doing and run to her. Yes that may sound like im a pushover but iv been abandoned alot and sometimes you just need someone there. If you cant get someone it can be dangerous in the sence of feeling alone and abandoned. That may just be me with my attachment and abandonment issues but i do feel everyone needs someone at some point. Im there for her to talk to her when she needs me and ill try my best to help her.

I bought moulds to make my own easter eggs this year. I have one cooling at the moment. Its more fun and making them alot more personal as i have icing writing pens which i can write names on the eggs and wrap them in cellophane with pretty bows. Ill put a picture up here when iv finished one. Each one should take a max of 2 days to do as you need to paste a layer then let it cool then paste another layer etc 4 or 5 times. so i should be able to paste another layer in an hour or so.

Im off for some benylin and t.v

xxx



{March 12, 2010}   House to Home

How do you make your house a home?

Normally its adding that personal touch isnt it. Well its 2.43am and i couldnt sleep. I decided to do some rearranging. I dismantled my bookshelf in my bedroom and moved my chest of drawers into the spare room for all the clothes i tend not to wear often. My bedroom feels empty with just a bed 2 bedside cabinets and a small cupboard in it. It looks bare. Its got that moving home feeling. Im waiting for my mum to bring down the other set of drawers which im going to put in my room which may fill it up a wee bit again.

Iv always been a very house proud person but recently im just not satisfied with my house. It doesnt feel like a home anymore. I may have a look online and see about somewhere smaller. I really dont want to move from here. my house is so modern and my neighbours are lovely. I couldnt ask for anything else in a house than what i have here. I really dont want to move. I want it to be a home again. It depresses me to know i cant get the “home” feeling. I may have to take a room at a time and scrub it from top to bottom and get it all sitting perfect.

Tomorrow i may just stick to the bedroom and if time permits i will try the spare room and get all the ironing done.

I dont think my neighbours will have been too pleased with the noise i was making moving the furniture but at the end of the day its my house and if i wanna move furniture at 2am then i will. Im just not tired.

My ex fiance started alot of crap tonight. I decided to try and get a decent conversation out of him (yet again me making all the effort) our convo was going well until he stated that things would be different if i hadnt had a miscarriage and it was gone now and thats it. It caused me to burst into floods of tears and throw my laptop across the bed. How can anyone say that? He made it sound like it was my fault the relationship broke up. I know i was overdosing etc but it was far from my fault. He couldnt support me or give me the attention i needed. He didnt care when i was having my miscarriage. He refused to tell his parents. I deserve better than that.

I was talking to my friend at the time and she had a good chat to me about it. Where would i be without my friend. Id probably be sitting here in such a mess thinking it was all my fault etc when she explained to me that it was far from my fault. If he had been such a decent guy and supported me then none of this would have happened.

My house was a home when i had my wee family, my fiance and my dog. They have left and its just me. It wont be long before i have my puppys here and its my family. Its the way i want it. All i want is to be happy now and take each day at a time. I cant have people pulling me down anymore.

My Dog

My Family

My Best Friend

xxx



{March 11, 2010}   Blades and Tramadol

Today when i was at my mums i had a severe headache from all the coughing i had done. I went to her medicine cupboard to see if there was any painkillers. I noticed a familiar box – TRAMADOL which i overdosed on last year. Without thinking i put a strip in my back pocket and proceeded to look for ibrufen or something. I took a large ibrufen tablet that was prescribed for my brother.

At the time i was talking to my friend on the computer and i told her i had spotted the tramadol and had put a strip in my pocket for later on if the headache continued. She told me to put them back at the temptation would be there to take the whole strip. I disagreed that i would be tempted but needless to say about half an hour later the thoughts started – “when i get home i could get a really good buzz from 10 of these”. As soon as i thought that, i put the strip of tablets back in the cupboard.

When i was at taekwondo tonight doing my stretches i was thinking to myself, “im not happy these scars have healed”. Sometimes i just think that the scars have healed and i must now try my hardest to reduce the scarring and other times i think MORE MORE MORE. Sometimes i think i dont want them to be healed i want them to be cut deeper. I argue with myself saying i have no reason to cut and i had no real reason for the scars i have.

With my dancing it means i have to show my arms alot and it causes people to stare and i reegret the scars i have but sometimes i just want more. I think to myself about cutting another part of my body. Iv cut my face before and my hip.

I get stuck between 2 forms of self-harm.

1. I overdose, chance of killing myself or huting my internal organs but people wont notice.

2. I cut myself, People will notice but no chance of killing myself.

It depends what mood im in as to wether i feel the need to overdose or cut. If i want to feel numb i overdose, if i want to feel alive i cut.

I hope i never do either again but at the same time i cant expect it all to stop immediately.

I thought to myself the other day – how long do i need to be stable for before they put my cipralex back to monthlies, but after my thoughts with the tramadol today i dont think it would be a wise move anytime soon to put them to monthlies.

I cant get rid of the thoughts. I know the tramadol is there and its eating away at me. I shouldnt have gone looking. I have no reason to take tramadol. No need to feel numb. So why are the thoughts there? Is it just temptation like a drug addict wanting to get a kick? Am i addicted to this? iv not overdosed in 7-8 weeks so why have these thoughts now. Ill be glad to get to my friends tomorrow and have a weekend without the temptation there of overdosing. Even saying that makes me sad it makes me think OVERDOSE OVERDOSE OVERDOSE. I just want to cry. I dont need to overdose and i dont want to so why is my mind trying to get me to do it :'(

xxx



{March 11, 2010}   Confirmed

Ok well i suppose for a while now iv been telling myself i dont want to be in a relationship, especially with a bloke. I just wasnt interested and just wanted to plod along with my normal routine.

For a couple of months now iv been talking to this guy that i met on a dating site and hes been txting etc. Earlier he txt me just what i thought was a general “what you up to” txt, to wich i replied “i was at my mums shop”. Well 40 minutes later this guy appeared at my mums shop. He didnt tell me he was coming down nor had i ever met this guy before. Feeling rather safe sitting in his car at the shutter of my mum and dads shop where i could see them, we spoke for a bit. He even bought me a rolo easter egg which i found strange.

As mum and dad were closing up i decided i was going too and said good nite to him but i was going home for a bath. He leant over for a kiss, I kissed back but immediately felt NOTHING so i pulled away in awkwardness. I smiled and got out the car having said nothing and leaving him leant over the car.

He was a really nice guy and good looking, everything i would want in a bloke BUT i feel nothing about guys. I didnt get a buzz or want more i just felt awkward and really didnt enjoy it. Im more settled with women and i think it has just confirmed in my mind what iv been thinking for a while now.

Anyways i had my bath and am now in bed waiting for my friend to see if shes going to come online. Shes been signed onto msn all day but i know shes sleeping. She has turned night into day and vice versa and im a wee bit worried about her. Just as long as shes gettin sleep i know she will be ok.

Looking forward to the weekend. Dunno what were getting up to this weekend.

xxx



{March 9, 2010}   More Thoughts

Today i went and opened my mums shop for her. It was VERY boring. I was there myself for around 3 hours but i had my friend talking to me online and it passed some time and boredom. Around 1pm my mum arrived at the shop so i could leave and go do my little housework visit. After that i went a drive into town to Primark and bought myself 4 new tshirts, a pair of denim shorts and a pair of opaque tights. not bad for £20.

Iv just had alot of thoughts on my mind about yesterdays session at BTS. My friend and i spoke for a few hours about it. I suppose it helped a bit.

Im lookin at my arms:

This is the scars im left with. Sometimes i look at them and think its like a mark of the struggle i went through but in all honesty they arent pretty and it causes people to judge you. Im currently using bio oil to try and reduce the scars. I kinda miss not having my cuts to care for and i know that sounds weird. I dont want to start cutting again and i especially dont want anymore scars on my body. Im hoping i can start reducing the scars for the summer coming in so i can wear a tshirt without my parents moaning at me to cover my arms.

My hospital visits seem a distant memory. When i look back over my earlier posts i realise how muddled up i actually was. I knew then that i was muddled i didnt think i was as muddled as that.  Im not surprised my fiance gave in but to be honest im glad he did. Im alot happier now than iv been in a good few years. i have a good circle of friends and a good routine.

I still struggle if my routine suddenly gets changed because of something thats out of my control, but its not so bad im starting to make backup plans.

I have my taekwondo grading on the 28th of march and i really cant wait. I will finally get my yellow belt :D 8th kup here i come :D

xxx



{February 25, 2010}   People who judge

Im not going to sit here and say i never have and i never will judge anyone because everyone judges people by appearance mainly. You see a guy sittin in the street very scruffy and you automatically presume at least 1 of 3 things. Hes homeless, hes an alcoholic or hes a drug addict. Its all about image.

I know people judge me for the scars on my arms but mainly people who dont know me judge me for these marks. People i have known for years know that i was never that type of girl to selfharm and are very supportive but people who i have just recently met will judge me and think “god shes a psycho” or something to that effect.

Today i experienced someone who decided to judge me and made it clear to me that i wasnt any good or worth anything – right to my face and infront of my mum.

I needed some things for this dance audition on Tuesday so my mum came with me to a surrounding town to get some things. When i got into the shop the woman had asked me about where my audition was etc. I told her what college it was at and i noticed she looked me up and down (im not the slimmest of girls) and said to me “you dont stand a chance”. I thought “who are you to look me up and down and because im not slim or look fit you have the right to say i dont stand a chance”. If i hadnt been desparate for the stuff id have quite happily walked out without it instead of spending a whole £45 on dancing gear in her shop.

She told me not to get my hopes up because theyr looking for people who want a career in professional dancing and have been dancing since they were 5. My mum put her in her place and told her id been dancing since i was 7 and done a wide range of dance although linedance was what i had stuck to.

She then tried to correct herself and say that they would want certificates of my dance exams and i told her i had alot of them. She looked embarrased then said “i think they want someone with all of them”. I told her if someone had all their dance certificates they wouldnt be going to a main stream college but a professional dance academy in the city. She looked very displeased with me and my mum.

When i had phoned her up before we went over she told me all she could supply me with was ballet shoes that she didnt have any leotards or leggings for a person a size 18. When i outwitted her she asked if i would like to try on a leotard i said yes so i got one that fitted and then she asked about leggings and i also got some that fitted. Trying her luck she asked if i needed anything else. I just told her leg warmers would be good since i know im going to need them anyway for my dance show in June. I picked bright pink ones!

I had a chat with my mum in the car about the woman in the shop. How dare she judge me! I am a very fit person and could run rings around alot of people my age or size. I am also a very passionate dancer. Yes ok i havnt done ballet or jazz for years but i still done my exams.

I told my mum i wasnt going to let it put me off because i will really kick myself in the future if i dont go to these auditions and sit and regret not going and wether i would have been given a place or not. I cant let it put me off and i wont. Yes my confidence is a little bit shot now but now im more adament than ever to go there and do my best and if i dont get in i know iv tried!

xxx



{February 24, 2010}   Hobbies & Friends

I think im going to sit tonight and make a video of all the best friends iv had in my life. Im going to make a video that makes me smile and look back over good memories when i watch it, so that if i ever feel down i can watch it and remind myself of all the good things in my life.

Tonight the new dance class was amazing. We are learning 3 dances, 1 Tap, 1 Jazz and 1 Street. The jazz one is very sexy indeed and is to “all that jazz” so the moves are rather seductive. The street dance is to Smooth Criminal and it is definately my favourite with moves like body rolls, down on knees, press ups and jumps etc in it, very sharp movements with plenty of attitude, which i have!

My life used to revolve around my work and my fiance. Since being unemployed and breaking up with my fiance my life and priorities have changed. My life rotates around my friends and hobbies. Dancing, Taekwondo and all of my friends. The new ones, The old ones, The ones i need to build bridges with.

I have this new wonderful life which if someone had told me at the beginning of the year that i would have, i would have laughed and said “yeah right”. I was stuck in my cycle of overdoses and self harm and when someone asked me what i can see myself doing in the next 6 months id say “i cant see what im going to be doing in an hour let alone 6 months”. Now i am making plans for my future. College, Dancing performances, Building my relationship up with friends and partners, Getting close to my friends again, Getting the house all ready for my little puppy to come home and loads of other things that i need to remember i have to look forward to.

People used to tell me i had so much to live for e.g my wedding, my partner, my parents. but neither of them made me really feel like it was essential to be alive to see. I want to be alive to dance my passion, to spend weekends with my friend, to perform, to smile, to feel loved, to look after my puppy and loads of other things.

I am happy to still be working with my psychiatrist and BTS. They are both helping really well. I suppose i am a little worried that the psychiatrist may discharge me if she feels i havn’t done enough progress between the last time we met and the the next time we meet. I know its not fair for her to have said that to me and im really not pleased with it. I just feel im being thrown from one set of professionals to another because noone knows what to do with me. The only professional in the whole time i have had these problems that i feel has helped me truly since day one was the woman from BTS. I have an ease when i am around her to tell her anything and she has a naturally calming nature. I feel pressure when i am in a room with people who may judge me and i become all clammed up and struggle for words. Im not like that with this woman.

People say i have to stop overdosing and selfharming for myself and not for anyone else. Emotions are things you cannot see so when someone says to you “what your doing is hurting me inside”, i just though “yeh right whatever”. With my friend she showed me physically what my actions were doing to people. When i overdosed the last time my friend self harmed and seeing her scars made me realise “wow this really is affecting people bad” because i could physically see it so i had to believe it. I told myself i would try as hard as i could never to overdose again and im happy to say i havnt overdosed in around 5-6 weeks.

The last time i self harmed i nearly lost my best friend. These scars look awful and cannot be hidden. I had to wear long sleeves at this new dance class because i didnt want people to judge me. I dont mind people iv known for years seeing them because they know what type of person i really am, but people iv never met before, not such a good first impression. Once the scabs etc have healed over it wont look as bad or as noticable as it does now right enough thank goodness. I have had a few temptations to self harm again but iv never acted on it. I am better than all that now. I have so much to look forward to. My life is colourful! Not as colourful as it should be but its not so much black and white anymore theres a few hint of colour peeking through the surface.



{February 22, 2010}   Is being honest easier?

I always tell people to be honest with me, especially because i know i have alot of attachment issues to work on so i feel if people are honest it makes it easier for me to identify and work on certain aspects of my behaviour.

I was worried that my post yesterday would upset people and cause another argument/disagreement but it didnt. My friend understood where i was coming from and we had a good chat about things. We seem to be getting better at listening and understanding each others behaviour and being more patient with each other.

I identified all the things i have worked on in the past 2 months and how things are ALOT different to what they were before. Im more stable and know that if i txt my friend and dont hear back i dont need to worry i know she will be online later, instead of panicking and phoning and txting her constantly because i think she has fallen out with me or hates me.

Im working on different coping strategies and am loving the understanding me and my friend have now. I was able to be open with her about what i thought in a sensible way and not a living in a fantasy way. My attachment causes me to want to be with someone 24/7 but the sensible part of me is saying “listen your paying a fortune on a house that your never in”, “listen huni you need some me time” and “you cant keep dropping taekwondo and dancing to be with her these things make you feel good”. So i managed to see the sensible side of me and chat to my friend sensibly and i was honest with myself and with her. It helped ALOT.

xxx



{February 21, 2010}   A few things

Im writing this post as there has been alot on my mind and a few things i just have to get out. I have to apologise if what i say hurts anyone but its better to be honest than continue feeling the way i am. I feel emotionally drained, other than that i feel empty inside.

If you have been reading my blog you will see the difficulties i have had with alot of things in my life, mainly problems with attachment and abandonment issues. I have had to do alot of thinking lately and it is pulling me down.

My main problems are relationships with both partners and friends. I was with my ex fiance for 4 years and during most of this time i had a best friend too. When my ex fiance started detesting going out with me and my friend and her man i had to learn to back off from my best friend, which i realise now was me letting him control me. It made me unhappy that my fiance wasnt bothering with me but was also not really allowing me to be happy in the company of my best friend. At this point in my life (last July) i suffered a miscarriage and i felt alone. My fiance knew i was in pain and what i was going through but proceeded to make me walk along the beach with his sister and brother in-law and i was in so much agony, i was doubled over in pain and crying. His sister didnt even batter an eyelid nor ask me what was wrong. He also refused to tell his family about the miscarriage but i eventually made him as i needed rest and couldnt take being pulled around anymore pubs or out for meals etc. I was depressed and in agony and most importantly i was alone. I overdosed continuously because of the miscarriage but also because i wanted my fiance to notice me and see that i needed looked after but it just drove him away. I didnt have anyone. Since leaving him in January i have not overdosed once which i am so proud about although the thoughts have been niggling away at me for 2 weeks now.

I feel like im starting to go back through what i experienced at the beginning of 2009. I fell for one of my friends and i felt led on by her. We were both in relationships and our partners also knew i had feelings for her and that she was as such acting on it. We kissed a few times and had some innocent fun. It eventually got to the point where my friend was backing off from me but i think she was worried to say “i dont want anything more than friendship” incase i abandoned her even as a friend. Instead she drove me away further by leading me on and i got fed up with it all being one sided that i gave in on our friendship. It hurt me really bad to have the feelings for someone, them leading it on “just incase” they feel the same then being dumped as such without her actually saying she wasnt interested.

I am an emotional rollercoaster right now that im trying to fix. My friend and i have had alot of fun recently but we are both really confused and its not doing either of us any favours. I know i am bisexual but she doesnt. We sat and spoke for hours the other morning/afternoon and i left on a pretty high note feeling really good about her and i. I always leave feeling happy etc, but when i get home i am alone and sometimes i suppose i bring arguments or disagreements on myself, but when it becomes that i am scared to talk or speak my opinion, just incase it starts an argument that may lead me to being upset or feeling that my friend doesnt like me anymore, i hold my tongue! why is this? Is it because i would do anything for this girl or think that she is older and wiser than i am therefore i must be wrong or make no sence.

My friend has had more experience with the mental health teams than i have and sometimes when i talk to her i feel inferior as i am 6 years younger than she is. When she says something that i may disagree with i just bite my tongue to save an argument and it shouldnt really have to be that way, she doesnt bite her tongue if i say something she disagrees with. Iv tried to stop my actions that lead to hurting her but now it appears to be things i say. I feel like a child.

Things couldnt be better when we are together but when we are appart there seems to be these problems.

Last night was my little brothers 21st birthday party. It was the first family gathering i had been to alone in the past 4 years as my fiance always came with me. I really didnt enjoy it. I got depressed through being alone really and i just wanted to go home. When i went home i thought my friend would cheer me up. Instead she didnt seem to understand why i can be happy one morning and by the evening be so depressed. I was happy in the morning because i was with her, she makes me happy. i was depressed in the evening because of alcohol and being alone at a family party for the first time in 4 years. Im working on things to keep me occupied when im home alone and i must admit i havnt been as depressed lately when im home alone, but i think i could have gotten away with being depressed last night i think it was a genuine reason.

I want to be able to speak my mind without worrying of the concequences.

Im sorry if iv hurt anyone but i had to get it off my chest.

xxx



{February 14, 2010}   Is she right or wrong?

I had my appointment with my psychiatrist on friday. She wasnt really too pleased to see me i dont think. She asked if i remembered her, which i did after she threw me out her office in november. I had wrote a letter which my friend helped me with to take to the psychiatrist which she was happy to read, even though she didnt read it all. Her conclusion was that i was childish and have to grow up. I am not a queen or a princess and not everyone can love me. I asked her about BPD and she clearly stated she didnt like to diagnose it as it is just people who need to “grow up” and realise life isnt all about them.

I dont remember an awful lot from the appointment really other than she repeats herself alot. my mum owns a craft shop and she thinks im into some mega forms of craft, which i must admit i have tried alot of and i really enjoyed doing a few mosaics which i may try again. the psychiatrist has said she wants me to do some form of exibition and she will come – gladly. I think shes mad. I am no artist or designer just keen in crafts.

She also told me she wants to see me in 2 months time and if in that time i have self harmed or overdosed she will discharge me. I spoke to my friends MHO about that and both my friend and her mho thought it a bit silly. My friends mho also asked if i feel what the psychiatrist said is right or wrong? iv kinda thought about it. I think she is wrong to say i am childish and need to grow up. I struggle to deal with my emotions its not a temper tantrum when i dont get what i want. I may sulk if i am not pleased. I think its more the attachment and abandonment issues i have problems with not the not getting what i want really.

Anyway, i came to my friends on friday and weve been having fun. On friday we just sat online and chatted to some folk and had a chat. Yesterday we had an eventful day. We painted her livingroom and broke down some of her furniture and took it to the dump. We went shopping and had dinner then we had some lovely chinese lanterns that we lit and released into the night sky. It was beautiful and we really enjoyed ourselves.

Its valentines day and neither of us have partners so we both got each other a little something. I got her a mug with her name on it and another present which still hasnt arrived. She got me a bracelet and also one of her presents for me hasnt arrived either. Were not doing too well. haha.

Today my friends mum and dad are coming to paper and clean up her flat while we take the dogs out a walk. Its a nice day for a walk i think. I suppose i better go wake my friend up.

xxx



{February 11, 2010}   The people we love

Im writing this because i feel i need to remind myself of all the people in life who love me and need me to be here.

Mum and Dad: Brought me into this world on 26 June 87 and spoilt me rotton every birthday and xmas. My mum is like my best friend and worries about me alot. Dad is a complete and utter nutter and has the worlds best ever sence of humour, he always makes me and my brothers laugh till we cry.

My 2 Brothers: They have the same sence of humour as my dad. Were all completely mad when we are together. My wee brother really wants to look after me after years of me looking after him. He invites me to his house for dinner all the time or to go up every night and watch a dvd or just for some company. Im not as close to my big brother but i still love him to pieces.

My nephew: i selfishly missed out on his 1st birthday party that i will never let myself live down. He is such a wee cheeky monkey and he loves his auntie so much. When he turns 3 im going to take him to taekwondo. I cant wait to have something special to do with him.

My cousin: My little cousin is also like a best friend to me. She spoke to me for ages last night and we had a good chat. she always treats me to pizza huts and things and we have a right laugh.

My aunt: My aunt spoils me rotton. Shes one of these people that invites me out for dinner and even if i skint im comfortable enough to say after the meal “thanks very much” and know shes got it covered. not that im selfish its just my aunt wouldnt let me pay anyway.

My friend/neighbour: Iv known her for about 5 and a half years now (yes huni its that long). weve had some awsome holidays together its just a shame they wont happen as a double date anymore. my partner caused me to become withdrawn from you but im still here, as close as ever.

My friend/dancing: What a wonderful person she is. iv known her for around 4 years or so and she is always a good laugh. especially when shes on tablet and red bull hahaha. we have a night out at dancing the last monday of every month a nice wee girly night out to catch up. just as well as dancing either once or twice a week.

My Best Friend: We have had some rough times but i wont give in on her. we have both said some nasty things to each other but i still refuse to give in on her. too many people have walked away from us and im a big girl i can take the nasty things that are said and forgive her when i know she was just angry and looking out for me and herself. We have had the best weekends ever this year, i hope they continue. She makes me happy and keeps the smile on my face all day of every day.

These are the people i need to remind myself that life is worth living for.

Yet again i was meant to be in the shop for 12pm and it is 12.16 and i am still in bed. i still have to wash my hair which i may actually just give a by because i have taekwondo tonight and its going to get all greasy anyway. I still have my urine infection – not quite so bad right enough hoping the antibiotics kick in today.

My friends present still hasnt arrived and im not pleased. i hope it comes tomorrow because im going over there this weekend and need to give her it.

xxx



{February 10, 2010}   Reality of being alone

The reality of being alone has hit. My life is so lonely. I have no reason to be looking forward to each day. Each day goes the same. get up get ready, go to mums shop, go home, sit on laptop all day/nite. no social interactions with anyone in particular. No purpose to live each day.

I made a video today of my self harm story. it made me realise just how lonely i am and how i try and get attention of others by doing these stupid things. I went to dancing, i took off my cardigan, i seen everyone looking and pointing and whispering to each other. one woman even said “you been hacked into?” i just rolled my eyes and said yeh and walked away. my stitches arent holding, im STILL bleeding. the nurse said it would stop but everything is soaked in blood. and the wound is still gaping shes only put 3 stitches on one and really it could be doing with 4.

My friend isnt talking to me but she is online. its good to just know she hasnt blocked me. ill give her some space but i do worry about her. I worry where i stand with her. the fact shes not blocked me is a good sign though. Shes the best friend i ever had and i care for her alot.

Some times i sit and think just get on with life but when i try i think no i cant. its strange because when i broke up with my fiance of 4 years i didnt hesistate to move on. my friend and i were just really close and i just cant move on from a friendship its weird. i just dont want to move on i suppose. i didnt take a zopiclone last night but ill take one tomorrow morning when i wake up to knock me out all day tomorrow since i have nothing planned.

I spoke to my parents about my brother mucking about with another girl – so i was told. my mum said the person who told me had the wrong end of the stick because the girl was only with my brother because my dad was fixing her car. so my brother wasnt pleased.

Im sitting in bed iv been so stupid. i put £5 on my gas yesterday which only gave me like £1.50 of gas because of the emergency credit. i used the £1.50 in a few hour last night so i just went and put £10 on it there and i turned on the heating. a few hours later im still sitting shivering, not heating up. stupid me forgot to relight the pilot light lol. so the boiler was on with no flame therefor no heat. how stupid can u get. starting to heat up now and listening to music.

we were recorded at dancing tonight so i dunno if my teacher is gonna put them online. i may have to have a look. we learnt a few good dances. iv put a demo of one called tennessee waltz at the bottom.

My P.I.D is back with a vengance! im in complete agony. clearly the antibiotics the doc gave me last month didnt work. I tried phoning today for an appointment for more but they were shut – half day or something. so i may phone tomorrow if i can be bothered gettin myself outta bed. which i doubt!

I spoke to my ex today. hes being quite a pain in the arse to be honest. I just cant be bothered with him. He phoned me to speak about the mobile phone or something then txted then phoned then txted then texted again then phoned then came online. he said hes gonna phone me tomorrow to arrange to come down thurs or friday but to be honest i dont want to see him. thursday my mind is on one thing and that is that my friend is ok. friday i have the psychiatrist.

I cant begin to describe how much i just want things to blow over with my friend its all i can think about. At a time like this i would overdose to knock me out so i didnt have to deal with reality. but theres no way on this earth am i doing that again. yes ok i may take a sleepin tablet but thats what they are for, to sleep. I look like shit and i feel like shit.

xxx



{February 9, 2010}   No Heading

I have put no heading because theres too much going to be put in this post that i have no idea what the heading should be based on. A few things have happened today and i dont know wether im coming or going.

I got upset and worried when i seen the letter with the appointment for the psychiatrist on it as i hate the psychiatrist. I started to worry about what id say, wether they would give me a diagnosis eventually or wether i would just be papped off to another area of the CMHT as usual. I decided not to go to dancing because i was so worked up. I said to my friend id tell her why i didnt go to dancing when she came online. Well the evening wore on and my friend wasnt online i got myself so worked up that i decided to cut myself. One wee cut turned into “oh i can get it deeper” about 10 times before i thought “oh dear god now it wont stop bleeding, what have i done, what will my friend say?”. so i thought it best to go to hospital to get it checked out. Just as i was about to sign offline my friend came online and the reality of what id done caused my heart to sink – how am i going to tell my friend iv cut myself? i kept thinking that my friend was honest with me when she done it and i understood her reasons for doing it so i thought she would understand mine, so i told her. She told me i had put a dampener on what she was about to tell me and told me she had wrote a private blog post for me to read. I read it and realised exactly how she felt. It made me look at myself and think “BITCH WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF” id made me feel awful for not waiting for my friend to talk to her about how i was feeling. It made me feel like a shit friend and i feel like the worst person alive.

My friend is angry at me, shes pissed off at what i done and annoyed i didnt talk to her about it before i done it. To be honest im angry at myself too. why didnt i think? why did i just do this stupid thing to my body? Im sitting here with a stupid bandage round my hand and up my arm 2 silly swabs – 5 steristrip stitches and theyr all soaked in blood. Im so fucking stupid!

My friend txt me and said she didnt want to talk to me again – i sat in the hospital waiting room and burst into tears, everyone stared. about half an hour later a nurse took me through to the ward and stitched me up while i cried and confided in her. she knew me from my previous overdoses and knows alot about me so it was easy to open up to her. I was in the ward stitched up and out in 15 mins.

I hope my friend wasnt serious about not wanting to talk to me again, i dont know why she can feel one thing for me and an hour – 2 hours later never want to talk to me again. I hope it was sheer anger that made her say it. My first instinct when she told me was “i have nothing to live for id be aswell killing myself” i was about to leave A&E i didnt see the point in being stitched up if i wasnt going to live. something inside me made me stay and say “no i have to live for myself, my friend may be angry and upset at me but im sure she just needs some space and time and she will speak to me again” (i hope)

On the way home from the hospital i was crying that much i just had to burst it all out to someone so i popped into another friends house. He spoke to me for about 20 mins – half an hour and it was just good to get it all out to be honest. He thinks my friend was just angry and upset and i was just pushing her away that she said those things to get a few days peace. I hope hes right.

Im going to take a zopiclone and get some sleep. im living on the hope my friend will txt me or phone me. I know she cares.

oh yeh and my exhaust is gubbed again.

xxx



et cetera
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