Its not gone

As much as i tell myself i have been more stable this year and that i must be able to cope better with my emotions when really iv discovered its not gone, i still get the same doubts. Probably not as fast as i previously did but they are certainly still there.

I used to feel abandoned if someone didnt talk to me straight away or txt me back straight away, it made me really low and like people didnt want to talk to me so id pester them. Now it can be a day or a couple of days before i start worrying, sometimes even a change in a persons behaviour makes me slightly more paranoid and upset.

Last night my friend was online but said she was on the phone, 2 hours later she was still on the phone then signed offline and i didnt hear from her again that night even though i tried phoning and txting. Today i didnt hear from her until after 4pm. She told me she would come online and didnt appear online until nearly an hour later. I went to taekwondo and came back and she was online and has barely spoke to me. She wasnt answering me on msn – bearing in mind me and my friend nearly always have a conversation on the go. I started thinking about taking a couple of my amitriptyline just to pass through the night without worry. This is how i know its not gone, its not sorted. If it was sorted it wouldnt have bothered me my friend not talking and id have just got on with my evening instead of planning an early bed with meds. Anyway my friend phoned me when she was out walking the dogs and as per all is ok, its just the usual my mind working overtime and playing games with me.

Its kinda hard to type up here my thoughts on meds etc as my friend reads my blog and i worry she will think if she stops talking to me im going to overdose. I dont plan on any severe overdoses, but i will admit if i think about overdosing i tend to want to take something to help me sleep off the thoughts, such as my amitriptyline or a diazepam, to stop me taking something more lethal such as boxes of paracetamol etc. I think im being logical!

xxx