This is a post i have sat and thought about long and hard all day. I have planned what im going to type but knowing my luck it wont come out as planned. Over the course of the day the content of this post has changed and the title has gone from “the cocktail” to “the boy and the cocktail”. I came up with the heading when i was sitting talking to the crisis team, Telling them how i was feeling.
Lets start with “the boy”. I am referring to the story of the boy who cried wolf. Im sure you have all heard of it. Basically i am the girl who cried “overdose” even though each time i have overdosed. The time that i take something really fatal i may just not be found or they may think it was just another paracetamol overdose when it could be something else.
This brings me onto “the cocktail”. During my appointment with the crisis team i was asked what i felt about all the events over the past year, as it is a year today from i took my first overdose that hospitalised me. I was surprised by the things i started rambling to them. I had never sat and thought of my overdoses in such a way i described to them. I believe i said, ” I dont care for overdoses and i feel im using second best now, at the beginning it was paracetamol, that was all well and good but i wanted to challenge more medication to see what effects it had on me, tramadol, cocodamol, zopiclone, each overdose a different effect, a different outcome” then i came out with the line surprisingly with a smile “its like this whole year iv been practicing, like iv been taking my body to its limits to see what happens with each med and now i have my cocktail down to a tee”. I said it like someone with a plan! someone who was out to cause havok!
So as i said i now have my cocktail, the lethal cocktail! well so i think will be lethal.
Tramadol overdoses: most taken at one time was 30, hospitalised and seizured but continued to take another 70 tramadol over the course of 72 hours – more seizures.
Cocodamol overdoses: no real effect just add to the drowsiness and paracetamol levels.
Zopiclone overdoses: most taken at one time 14, the most lethal of my overdoses yet. I got into alot of trouble to which i wasnt aware. involving police, mental hospitals and being pinned to the floor. I also remember not being able to feel any pain and i got out my handcuffs.
This cocktail needs a name and i may just need to stick to something stupid like ZOCOTRAM!
I am not going to be stupid this time. I am planning! Letters will be wrote and it will be done at the right time.
I sat thinking earlier “people say, if i ever get like that shoot me, well i want to be shot”. I am a person i dont like, a person i dont wanna be. I cried when i thought of it. People cannot possibly expect me to stay on this earth and in this body and mind for at least another 50 years like this. It will be MY decision when my life shall end! I at this moment in time have nothing to live for. I have no house, my dog is settling at my mums and im generally depressed all the time.
How hard is it for a psychiatrist to say “we will provide you with a support worker” if it is going to make a person feel like they want to live their life? a few measley pounds from the nhs budget to keep me safe instead of treating me with nurses, hospital stays, blood tests etc.
As soon as i came through the doors of the hostel the women were so supportive. They asked me if i wanted tea and if i wanted a chat etc. When i got to my room i realised the lekky had gone off and the freezer had defrosted all over the room so i had to nip back downstairs for a mop. The women offered to help me but i said i was fine.
Im lying in bed now relaxing, even though i have a headache!
blog has been kinda jumpy but meh its whats been on my mind.