Disaster of medication

Here i am blogging again, its only gonna be a short one!

I went to asda to buy some small food things to put in the fridge if i get hungry. As i walked round the isles my eyes darted from one thing to another, very fast and like i couldnt concentrate on anything. Its really annoying me now. I feel like i need to sleep it off but i am wide awake.

I took my escitalopram this morning after not taking it for 4 days. I think this may be the effects of going straight back on to 20mg after being off it for 4 days. Im also back on my depakote.

I fear alot but am trying to get on with it as best as i can. I worry i will fall again!

xxx

Stuck

I hate having to make decisions. I sat and spoke to the women in the refuge for an hour this morning. They could see i was clearly confused and upset.

I didnt sleep last night and just went and got the first boat at 6.30am. I came back across the water and had an hours sleep before phoning the doctors for an appointment. They gave me 60 depakote, 28 escitalopram and 14 zopiclone. Its strange to be given boxes and not daily packets. Im pretty sure the doc wont be pleased when she sees my file on tuesday and realises im on dailies.

The doctor was lovely and really understanding. She has reffered me to the mental health team here, even though i told her i wasnt sure i was staying. She said its better to get the ball rolling just incase.

Im using this weekend to decide what im going to do. Stay here or go back. I want to stay but i dont want to loose my friend. I want to go home because i know the area but i dont wantmy family to be too close.

I would stay during the week if i had someone to look after the puppy or if they would let me have her here to make sure in my mind what i wanted. I know my friend will be angry at me typing this but i did tell the women at the refuge i didnt know what i wanted. There are so many pros and cons to staying and going. They told me i have to do what makes me happy and to think it over at the weekend and chat to them about it on monday.

Im meant to be going out with my friend tonight. I dont plan on getting too drunk. I just hope it all goes ok. Bday tomorrow!

xxx

The Appointment

I got to my appointment just in time although the psychiatrist was running late and didnt take me for a further 15 minutes. My appointment lasted longer than i expected and he actually kinda made sence. He was asking what kind of structure i have to my day and i told him about dancing, taekwondo, helping my mum in her shop etc and that my day to day has a kind of routine.

He told me he doesnt think that i should be seen by the psychiatrist anymore but need help to work on things and has said about psychotherapy. He informed me i had been referred last October/November time (which i didnt know about) and i was on the 8 month waiting list. so if i am correct i should be getting my first appointment any time in the next few months. I was really pleased with this.

He also said he doesnt think medication would help and i told him i think he is wrong. He asked me to justify my answer. I told him when i was on my section it was over the easter holiday and no chemists were open for the hospital to get my prescription. I was a week without my meds and i cried all the time. was low, wanted to kill myself, wanted to scream, i had problems with anger then i would cry. It just wasnt the type of person i was. He then agreed that obviously the medication is helping me some how and decided he would continue my escitalopram and also prescribe me depakote again. I told him i couldnt be bothered with the amitriptyline anymore as it was just playing with my moods and its only a slight sedative – i have no problem getting to sleep, its staying asleep i have the problem with.

Needless to say i am very happy with the outcome of the session with the psychiatrist as if he had just discharged me with no help i would have been very low, angry, feeling abandoned yet again and just probably wanting to be alone. So on the positive note i had a good day in my mums shop, i went and got my pup from my mums then dropped my little brother off at his house, I seen my nephew for 15 minutes. Hes starting to copy his mum and i videod him putting the washing in the machine and closing the door then opening the tray for the powder, i couldnt believe it. It was sooo adorable.

I think im gonna go for a kip because if i dont, i will be too tired for taekwondo tonight and may not be in the frame of mind to go.

Good day 😀

xxx

Psychiatrist tomorrow

I have the psychiatrist tomorrow morning and i tried to get ahold of the MHO today to see if she could come with me if she was free. I feel the psychiatrist would be more likely to listen to her than me and if it comes from an MHO that she thinks i need continuous follow ups with a cpn or MHO then he may actually listen and give me what i need.

Im starting to worry about this appointment. Iv never worried before but i think it is because its like i almost know they will just pap me off with someone else or just say im fine and leave me be. Even though they sectioned me i believe they cant be bothered with me. I feel i am wasting time but all i want is some follow ups. Its been 2 months since i was sectioned and 2 months since i last seen a professional. Thats way too long after someone has been sectioned for a follow up appointment, and i will be saying that to him.

If i phoned the mho she may phone and speak to the psychiatrist before my appointment or during my appointment and hopefully i can get my meds sorted a bit and regular appointments with a professional.

EUGH!

Today has been a funny day, yet again i have ran around trying to sort things out!

I worked in the shop for a couple of hours and i have came back home and emptied the kitchen. i have thrown out all my plates other than one, alot of glasses and cups and just generally flung out alot of stuff.

I have one of the worst feelings i have experienced. I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I feel sicky and dunno if i feel bloated or sore or whatever its just weird. I may have to go to the chemist and ask for 6 paracetamol to pass me through the night in the hope it settles it. My back hurts and im so tired from my diazepam from last night. I think im gonna have to make a doctors appointment for tomorrow and speak to the doctor about my meds i.e my amitriptyline and see about being allowed some diazepam or lorazepam. The ami isnt overly working well but i feel its is really affecting my moods the days after i have to take it and up to 2 days after iv taken one.

I contacted the MHO the other day and she has wrote a letter to the psychiatrists and also forwarded a copy to me which i received this morning. I better hear something soon as it has been over a month since i was sectioned and still had no follow up. I am really angry about it.

As much as i love/d my house i want out of it now. It hasnt felt like home for the past 6 months now since my ex left. It still feels cold and empty and im quite a neat freak and feel i am constantly cleaning it because it doesnt feel like a home. I just want out of here. I want a living room with a carpet!!! This living room has a stupid shiny laminate that makes everyone say “oh sorry im walking on your newly mopped floor” when really its just totally shiny it always looks wet, and to be honest its not the first time iv went on my backside when my feet have been wet.

I have just realised its 4.30 and the chemist will be closed as it is wednesday! I need paracetamol but dont want to buy 16. I may buy a packet and leave a strip at my mums shop when she opens later. As much as i say iv been stable i do not trust myself. I could be low at any time and just throw them in my mouth without thinking about the concequences.

I have noticed my thinking is different though, i really am trying to think about some of my more serious actions such as overdosing or cutting. Iv not had these thoughts i think the last time i had them was a long while ago and i proudly managed to fight the urge to do it thinking of the concequences that would occur had i take tablets. But as i say ill go to the doctor tomorrow.

xxx

17.04 – General Catch-Up

I had a good weekend at my friends. We just had a relaxing weekend other than going out on Saturday night and getting drunk and also realising the next day that actually we didnt even have dinner before we went out. I suppose that wasnt a clever move but hey ho nothing bad happened when we were out.

I had BTS at 3pm so had to come back over the water for that. I proceeded to tell the woman about my moods yesterday. Let me explain a little about yesterday. As the past 5 days or so have been completely restless for me yesterday was just the icing on the cake. Im going to scale my moods for u from +10 to -10. I woke up and was about a -4ish generally quite rubbish. As the day went on i started becoming VERY hyperactive and my mood shot up to a +8ish in no time. I was talking to things, laughing, being cheeky and generally not thinking before i open my mouth. This can tend to get me into ALOT of trouble as i say things i dont really mean or well just do stupid things, like talk to the kiddies rides in the supermarket when they say “hello, whats your name” to which i kindly give my reply rather loudly. People look rather madly and i just laugh and then i notice my mood is hyper and need to do something to get back down, before i know it less than an hour later my mood was down to a -9, where i told myself that i hated myself and didnt deserve to live. I sat on my friends bed and cried my eyes out for a while, and went back through to the living room where my friend was and apologised for my moods changing so rapidly. Yet again before i knew it my mood was back at a +4 where i was back to being a bit more silly. It wasnt long before my friend gave me meds to calm me down a bit and they worked a treat!

Im going to contact the MHO tomorrow to find out about my appointment with the psychiatrist as i still havnt heard anything. I know the psychiatrist was on holiday but that was ages ago and i really need to see someone as my GP really isnt helping.

I am genuinely worried for my own safety when my moods change so rapidly, i know if last night i hadnt been at my friends the chances of me doing something stupid were like 75% so im glad i was there but at the same time i need to know i can be safe at home too.
I have no idea if the amitriptyline is affecting these moods, wether im better off with something else or a mood stabiliser or what. I really dont know and think i need my meds looked at.

I am going to start a mood graph on an hourly basis and rate my mood between +10 and -10 with some details as to what im feeling at that moment in time after it. This was an idea we came up with at BTS. I have also put my name down for a kind of training day run by the NHS to do with mental health and learning to identify mood changes and how to deal with them. It sounds useful.

I done a bit of shopping before i came back home and i got back home to a nasty surprise – electricity had ran out. contents of my fridge and freezer completely RUINED!!!!!! So im gonna need to nip back out for more stuff like butter etc so i can make dinner. Im going to try mince with pepper sauce, potatoes and veg.

Supposed to have dancing tonight but i will see how my mood is.

xxx

15.00 Moods

I forgot to lift my anti-depressant when i went to my friends the other day. I know it can take a while to get out of your system but im not sure how long it can take for the meds to start dipping to a lower level. I havnt taken any since Friday night. Yesterday i felt was a rollercoaster of emotions. I was putting on a brave face but inside all i wanted to do was hug my friend and relax. My friend was on the phone to one of her friends and somehow the conversation of overdose came about. I started to notice myself thinking about my overdoses and feeling the urge to want to do it again. It made me very sad and low to think about it because i didnt want the thoughts to be there. I hid the fact i was quite upset by it until later on that night when i went to the toilet. My little puppy followed as she cant be appart from me. I sat on the toilet looking at her jumping around playfully and it made me upset and angry at myself for the thoughts id had earlier and how i could ever consider leaving my dog. I took the pup and lay on the bed playing with her trying to cheer myself up, she was soo full of energy so i thought i would tire her out by taking her a wee walk having some time just me and her.

I accidently upset my friend by putting on my shoes and saying i was going out a walk with the pup, she said she was coming to which i cheekily said “i want time with the pup alone”. I didnt mean it to sound cheeky but looking back on it i probably could have explained to my friend i was feeling a little low and wanted some time to think over things etc. I spoke to my friend about it when i got back though.

Today has been another mixture of moods and since arriving back home everythings making me cry. I seem to get this way when i havnt had my meds for a day or so. Before i got home i stopped at the chemist at the end of the street to pick up my weekly prescription. She handed me the same small bag as always. Id had a headache from the sun glaring on my face while driving so i asked for paracetamol too on direct care. I told her i didnt trust myself with a box and could the pharmacist give me only 4, 2 for now 2 for later. I was quite proud of myself for being brave enough to ask for only 4 and stating it was because i feel i couldnt trust myself with a box. As much as just now i know i wouldnt take all 32 as im feeling not too bad. If i only take 2 that leaves me with 30 in the cupboard for a day that i may feel rubbish and the temptation being there, plus i just know if i did overdose i wouldnt want to leave my dog so id not go to hospital and could cause myself alot of damage.

So while i was waiting on my paracetamol i opened my little packet to make sure my 7 escitalopram and 1 amitriptyline was there, On looking inside i only noticed my amitriptyline. I questioned the girl at the counter about my escitalopram. They said i got my last prescription the last time. I told her then that it was on repeat and that the pharmacist collects my repeats for me so i was due another 7 on a new prescription. I dont know if she was just trying to get out of it or not but then she had to come and explain to me that they are struggling to get Cipralex in and couldnt give me it. I got into the car and started to cry. As im registered with that chemist i cant hand in or collect prescriptions for myself from the surgery so i couldnt go to another chemist. Im sitting here in tears over something as stupid as no tablets. This is when i know how much it can affect me not to take my tablets. She told me she had been trying to get more since last tuesday to no such luck but will keep trying. I have no idea how long it could be. I have 1 escitalopram in the cupboard and dunno wether to take it or not. Wether there is even much point if she cant get me anymore just now. I tried lloyds chemist at the corner incase they had some and they stated they too were having problems getting any. I REALLY dunno what to do. wether i am being childish about it or not.

I have BTS in 40 minutes and i dont know how this is going to be. I had planned to go to dancing tonight but i feel like an emotional wreck! All over stupid tablets. I think i have some kalms so i may try one of them. If it gets too much im gonna need to take my amitriptyline and just sleep until tomorrow to see if there has been any luck in getting the meds in or not. Im soooo worked up and feel like everything is 100mph. I hate how things go from fine to awful in minutes! I am worried. If i wasnt on weeklies id have enough to pass me by until they could find more. I know its my own doing but at the same time. How can i trust that im always going to get these meds that keep me on the straight and narrow. May need to stash some!

xxx

17.05 The Weekend

This weekend has been different. Normally i go to my friends on a friday for the weekend but it was my mum birthday on Friday so i decided id stay at home on friday and go out for lunch with mum, my aunt and cousin on saturday. On friday night since i wasnt doing anything, there was a lot of us decided to go to my little brothers for a few drinks. Me, Little brother + fiancee, My big brother and the girl he is seeing, My cousin and my friend and his girlfriend. I enjoyed a few drinks in the kitchen with my little brother and cousin and we had a good chat about feelings and thoughts. I told them about my situation, about wanting to move but worried what mum would say. How my mum uses my brothers as a method of hurting me such as “your brothers are annoyed at you” etc. He said it wasnt true, he just doesnt understand why i do it or what the reason is. I told him about BPD and explained it. He has a little clearer understanding of it now.

I collected my pup from mums on the way home and sat online chattin to my friend and enjoyed a wee night in bed. I got up on sat in a good mood. I got up and felt like treating my friend to some new clothes so i drove to Primark and got her, 4 tops and a pair of combat trousers for £16.50 in total. Not bad eh? I went and got mum and met up with my cousin and aunt at a relativey new resturant in the area that neither of us had tried. It was lovely i had corran inn chicken which was just haggis, chicken, potatoes and pastry with peppercorn sauce. It was soo nice. We were stuffed full after it.

I left at about 3ish to go to my friends. I walked the dog from the boat to my friends house. she met us just down from her flat with the dogs. She treated the pup to a new lead as the one i bought for her was too heavy. Shes still getting used to it. We had baked potato for dinner with some vegetable pakora. Its been quite a miserable day today the rain has been on and off. We went a little walk with the dogs and came back dropped them off and my friend took me out for a sunday roast 3 course meal and a drink. It was really nice. We had a nice chat too which sometimes i think we lack. I know we can have serious moments but most of the time we just carry on. Nothing can be taken seriously with us.

Everyone is chilling, the doggies are asleep, my friend is on her bean bag watching tv and i think i may have a little lie down too and enjoy the rest of today with my friend. Back home tomorrow and thats it over for another weekend sadly. I even forgot to bring my escitalopram with me :O

xxx

20.34 Prescription

Today has been a busy day. I eventually got to the doctors, i phoned them at 8.30am and got an appointment for 9.30am. When i got there i got the usual lecture from my GP about overdosing and how this time it landed me a section. She was worried about my state of mind at the point because of something in the report. I wont know what the report said until i get a copy sent out. I told her the MHO thought it a good idea to have some medication as back up incase i cant sleep because if i dont sleep my mood is low and it is more likely to make me act more spontaneously and not think about my actions before doing them. She thought for a while about this – knowing what i was saying was making sence but at the same time worrying about giving me an addictive drug and any quantity of them. In the end she decided to allow me amitriptyline 10mg tabs. She was wanting to give me one a day on daily pick up. I told her im away friday to monday every week and it wasnt advisable, so she decided she would stick to 3 tablets weekly but at the same time im not allowed all 3 tablets at once i have to get them 2 days appart. As far as iv read amitriptyline is also an antidepressant i wasnt aware you could take 2 anti depressants at the same time. I know it says it is also used for insomnia, all i can do is try it.

I feel like a junkie going into the chemist every day/week for a measly few tablets. I suppose it was my own doing and i really dont trust myself with having any more tablets, its just embarrasing.

I finally got back to Taekwondo today for the first time since my grading and i enjoyed it. We done some sparring and i wasnt as tired as i have been before which was lucky. I came home to a really excited pup who was missing her mum and is now quity happily playing on the floor with her blanket and lion teddy. Although the house is still a little quiet and such at least it feels lived in and i have my pup to keep me company. I love her so much.

Im not going to my friends until Saturday this week as i have to spend time with my mum on sat afternoon just to keep the peace. As much as i love my mum etc id much rather be with my friend. That may sound nasty but when you get in a routine to change it can cause problems. Im sitting here my heart racing because i have to wait an extra day to see my friend and i know shes not too good just now, i just want to go and cheer her up and having to wait an extra day to do that worries me. Im sure ill live but im gonna miss not being there tomorrow night.

23.56 One of those nights

Its been a long night. My puppy just wont settle. Shes been jumping around the bed for 3 hours. When i put her on the floor shes in at EVERYTHING. Im quite stressed tonight. I remembered i had 1 diazepam left so iv taken that just to chill me out a wee bit. Im hoping thats the pup settled now too shes lying asleep on my pillow.

I didnt manage to my street dance class tonight as i was promised £20 but somehow i never got it. All i had was £5 and i had to get dinners and some bread etc with it. Im really worrying about money. I have so much to pay to so many people. I also have ALOT of things to take care of and i dunno where to start. I need to phone places, write letters, fill out forms. Im just not winning and need a bit of support in doing some of these things.

I feel like i could cry, im really not managing to keep ontop of things – mainly bills. I wish i had a job so i could survive by myself and also treat my friend and i at weekends to a take away.

I bought myself and my friend pandora bracelets. We have made an agreement that we cant buy beads for ourselves only for each other. We love buying each other little mindings and i thought this would be a nice, easy and cheap way to say “huni im thinking about you” Beads are not expensive from ebay just a few pounds each and there are so many different designs. My friend likes mainly the proper bead shaped ones and the ones with diamantes. I like the pretty shapes and the ones with diamantes too.

My friend and i are also both wanting to get tattoos. She would like 3, 1 of which to cover up a tattoo she already has, a quote and a name. I fancied a quote myself and have chosen “dancing is like dreaming with your feet” but im not sure where to get it. I think id like it around my wrist, probably on my left side as my right side has all the tattoos, right ankle and right hip. So i think i need one on the left side.

Tomorrow is a day where i have nothing planned. Probably take the puppy a walk and phone the doc to see about getting regular zopiclone or diazepam. I know they are reluctant to prescribe it for 2 reasons, 1. Its addictive and 2. I overdose. Im pretty sure they can prescribe me 2 weekly incase i need them. If i give them the reasonable talk of “give me 2 a week incase i dont sleep etc as when i dont sleep i become low and am more likely to overdose” they should be more likely to go ahead with it.

The MHO is referring me back to the psychiatrist. Im kinda fed up being flung about here there and everywhere and noone seems to want to take responsability for whats to happen with me. I hope i get a support worker and if i do i suppose something good has actually came from me being sectioned. Not that id like to admit that i suppose.

Its this time of night when everyones gone to bed and im sitting here awake that my mind plays overtime. For once im quite happy for my mind to be going 100mph as i have taken a wee diazepam which will kick in soon and should calm it down and also im satisfied in knowing i have no harmful meds in the house. All i have is 10 days Escitalopram and thats it. Im very proud of myself that i threw everything else out. I know i am safe, and i am very content and happy knowing temptation isnt there!

The puppy is asleep on my pillow, finally. so i suppose ill get some shut eye.

nite!

xxx

04.39 Thursday 8th

I fell asleep before midnite last night which is a first for me in the past couple of months. I have changed my Escitalopram to the morning instead of evening as the doctor told me sometimes it can cause insomnia. The only reason i took it at night previously was because it was making me tired, so i took it at night so i wasnt sleeping all day. Now that the dose has been multiplied by 4 it appears to have the opposite effect, but dont hold me to it as iv only taken it in the morning the past 2 mornings and have been rather sleepy through the day but still sleeping at night.

My puppy is lying next to me asleep. Shes the reason im up – she decided she wanted a wee carry on and was sick as she got herself so excited. Shes fallen back asleep now so i thought id give this an update.

I went over to my friends on tuesday. I txt her etc to say i was going over but she was still in bed when i arrived. I chapped the door and she opened it and screamed “BIATCH” with the biggest smile on her face ever. We hugged for ages, just glad to be with each other again. I only planned to stay a few hours as i had the puppy with me but my friend wanted me to stay as i hadnt seen her for 2 weeks so i did. We had fun and some really good chats about stuff. They were much needed. Im glad i seen her it made me realise how much she cares for me, how much i care for her and want to be with her. Shes everything i ever wanted.

I dont know what i plan to do tomorrow, or today rather. I think i have to go to mums shop for the last hour so that she can go to the cash and carry, other than that – nothing! Probably just chilling online and chatting to my friend. Im glad were back together. I realise what i done was stupid but my friend has seen some stuff the past couple of days that may let her see the kinda everyday problems im dealing with.

We think my mum has attachment issues too. She wants me to spend all my time with her and she cant see that i want to spend time with my friend. She harrases my friend with calls and txts. I deleted my friends number from my mums house phone but havnt managed to delete it from her mobile. When i can manage that – all the better. Its not fair on me or my friend. My mum seems to need to know everyone i talk to and their contact details. As much as i try to keep all this a secret she somehow manages to get the information and pesters people if she cant find me or if things arent going the way she wants them to. I think my mum has problems too but i darent tell her.

xxx

The Circle

Why does it feel like im in a circle? Like noone wants me and just keep passing me on to the next person and before i know it im back to the beginning. There have been a few circles, my original circle started as gp -> Psychiatrist referral. When i first overdosed it went Hospital Admission -> Psych liason -> Psychiatrist referral -> Crisis Follow up -> Psychiatrist Appointment -> Primary Care Referral -> Primary Care Appointment -> Referred for Councelling -> Discharged from Psychiatrist. Then it starts again.

I went to the GP today to see about Diazepam to calm me down during the moments of anxiety, basically to try and stop me doing something stupid. I asked about the Psychiatrists diagnonsense of BPD and her reply was “And what do you want me to do about it?” I really am stuck and dont know what support im entitled to or how i go about getting someone to listen to me to get the right help. I just feel like noone is listening and im being abandoned by the mental health system.

I got a couple of diazepam. My friend and i sat laughing as she asked how many tablets i have been trusted with this time. my reply being “2, 2mg diazepams”. We laughed hysterically as it is soo stupid. I told her for a laugh that i didnt think life was worth living and i think ill go overdose on my 2 diazepams haha. We had a wee giggle about that too.

I thought id pop up and see my puppy at my mums while she was out. I got there and before getting out the car i went to get my mums house key and realised she has kindly removed it from my keys. Oh well there goes seeing my pup for another 4/5 days or so. I just cant face my mum at the moment. Im not ready to be shot down.

When my mum is in a mood she just doesnt talk. Its like im standing talking to myself, she keeps walking away from me and ignoring me, not saying a word then it makes me upset and angry. If i go there and she does that it will hurt me and if im not in the correct state of mind it could go 1 of 2 ways. 1. i get upset because shes not talking and come home and self harm or 2. I get angry, scream, shout, then get upset and probably self harm. To be honest i dont want to self harm so im just avoiding the situation at the moment all together.

Iv had 2 hours sleep. I woke at 8.30am to make my docs appointment then got some washing done, went to the docs and came back and had lunch. I have Taekwondo tonight as i need to pay for my grading  which is on sunday. I might be going to my friends tonight after Taekwondo which will cheer me up. Iv been in a relatively good mood for about 12 hours or so now. Although my P.I.D is back with a vengance. Getting an awful shooting pain at the right side and iv trusted myself to take TWO paracetamol without swallowing the whole packet. Iv taken that many paracetamol before even the thought of taking paracetamol makes me sick so 2 is more than enough. Imagine sickening yourself of paracetamol, thats bad isnt it?

My friend has her MHO this afternoon and i know that what happened on friday between me and my mum is going to be brought up. Im ashamed of what happened but im more ashamed my mum phoned my friend telling her to tell me she never wanted to see me again. It angers me that my mum cant see me be happy and be jelous of my friends! I see my mum 5 days out of 7 and she cant allow me 2/3 days with my best friend! Im 22 i need friends not just my mum. Apparantly 5 days out of 7 isnt good enough.  I dont really want to pile all of my problems onto my friend. As a friend i blabber generally about whats going on in my life and she gives me some good advice but i dont want her worrying about things too much as she has her own problems and needs to concentrate on herself.

Just sitting here looking at the state of the place. In peoples eyes my house is spotless but not to me. I know i need to dust and clean the bathroom, wash the floors, clean the suite, dry the bedding, do the ironing etc I better get started then chill for a bit before Taekwondo.

xxx

Im sorry

Hey everyone im sorry. Im drunk and i may not make any sence. it was my mums idea to go out and get drunk. i wanted to feel sexy and talk to some guys. but mum being mum. thinks im a tart!!!!!!! sorry for the silly punctuation but i am reasonably drunk. im very very upset my mum had phoned my friend and has decided to disown me. I upset. In anger iv cut all my leg. my bathroom is covered in blood. my friend wont answer her phone. i want to leave. i want to die. i dont want to be here anymore. please someone take me away!!!! im crying im so upset. i just wanted fun instead i have a house covered in blood and i am so upset and worried what my friend may thing of me as my mum has phoned her and blamed her for all the upset. I lost my mobile and if my mum has caused me to loose the best friend i ever had i will never forgive her. NEVER. i dont care shes trying to bribe me with never getting a puppy but i dont care. i want to be ok! i want stability! she doesnt care for me shes tryin to bribe me. I didnt plan to get this drunk all i wanted was some fun and to pass some time so i could get to my friends and now iv caused all these problems and my mum being so stupid said i was being childish cos i lost my mobile. theres blood everywhere! im alone! i have noone, noone wants me anymore. im better off not here. im serious this time! tramadol, paracetamol, phone an ambulance then hang myself from the banister! NO MORE PAIN! NO MORE PAIN!!!!!

Diagnonsense

I phoned my psychiatrist today as i was able to pick between an appointment today at 12pm or monday at 10am. I picked monday at 10am but changed my mind this morning and decided id rather see her before the weekend.

When i got there i knew she wasnt really going to listen to me and become very repetative, she didnt disappoint. I told her i had been feeling low for the past 2 weeks and that i wanted to overdose but i didnt, that i had cut myself instead. She seems to think that if i am satisfied that i no longer want to be with my ex then i should be happy and everything is perfect and hunky dorey. This isnt the real reason for my depression though, its just numerous things such as nasty comments, feeling abandoned etc.

While i was talking to her i noticed a nicely typed up and printed sheet of information about me infront of her. This being information about me i kept glancing at it when she wasnt looking to see what they had been saying.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Name: ***************************************
D.O.B: **/06/1987
Diagnosis: EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

***** has been admitted to hospital on numerous occasions through depression which has led her to impulsively overdose and self harm. ***** admits to feeling she has problems with attachment and abandonment and has no proper suicidal intentions but is not bothered about the concequences of her actions and what damage it may do to her body.

******* has good eye contact in sessions and seems to understand the main topics and can give apropriate feedback. She also becomes clearly anxious and frustrated during sessions and states she has no ability to plan her future.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

It was alot longer than that but that was the basic idea of the notes.

I questioned the psychiatrist about why my notes state my diagnosis was Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and that i was never told thats what i had. She shrugged much to my annoyance. She told me in a previous session she thought thats what i had but didnt like to diagnose it. Well clearly the diagnonsense is there.

We spoke about my medication and she has agreed to put my Escitalopram up to 20mg per day and has also discharged me from the CMHT which im not overly pleased about because yet again i feel abandoned but i suppose im glad i have a diagnosis but now i need to find out what my rights are as to getting help to deal with it since i am now discharged.

If anyone else knows what follow ups etc i should have or am entitled too feedback would be great.

xxxx

The Waiting Game

Iv spent most of today in waiting rooms. I went to the doctors first thing and it was only the nurse i could see. She steri stripped my arm and demanded i go to A&E. I told her i had cut before alot deeper than that and that steri strips are fine. She was for having none of it. She asked me to sit in the waiting room. Five minutes later she called me back in and stated she had spoken to the Doctor and the doctor has phoned A&E to say i will be up and to call the psych team to come see me.

I hesitantly went to A&E and sat waiting yet again. Got seen by Triage and sat and waited AGAIN. The nurse checked out my wound and said it was fine (like i told the nurse at the surgery) and i was asked to wait yet again for the psych team to come. It was a guy this time and as always it was a complete waste of time talking to him. I knew he couldnt help so i got up and walked out of A&E. He phoned me later to say i had an appointment with the pdoc on monday morning to get my meds reviewed as he thinks an increase may do me good.

I went to my medical assessment appointment and they stated they were running late when i got there so there would be yet another wait. I sat in the waiting room for an hour! In that hour i started getting anxious and worrying about what was going to happen. I sat with a magazine and flicked through the pages. I couldnt read it, i was just looking for something to do. I looked over the mag every now and again to see people across the room staring at me then my arm. I had my cardigan on but because the cut is so low down the white hypafix was showing. I gave in on the magazine and started pacing the waiting room. Tears running down my face because i just wanted out of there. I turned around and see a woman whispering to her man and her man looking at my arm. I started screaming at the woman to stop talking about me and to say it out loud. The receptionist asked me to leave the building and calm down before my appointment then she escorted me outside. I managed to gather myself together for my appointment that was over and done with in 10 minutes. I was glad to get back out and into the car.

I drove back home and now im here! Worrying what is in store for me tonight. What mind games are going to be played with me.

xxx

Blades and Tramadol

Today when i was at my mums i had a severe headache from all the coughing i had done. I went to her medicine cupboard to see if there was any painkillers. I noticed a familiar box – TRAMADOL which i overdosed on last year. Without thinking i put a strip in my back pocket and proceeded to look for ibrufen or something. I took a large ibrufen tablet that was prescribed for my brother.

At the time i was talking to my friend on the computer and i told her i had spotted the tramadol and had put a strip in my pocket for later on if the headache continued. She told me to put them back at the temptation would be there to take the whole strip. I disagreed that i would be tempted but needless to say about half an hour later the thoughts started – “when i get home i could get a really good buzz from 10 of these”. As soon as i thought that, i put the strip of tablets back in the cupboard.

When i was at taekwondo tonight doing my stretches i was thinking to myself, “im not happy these scars have healed”. Sometimes i just think that the scars have healed and i must now try my hardest to reduce the scarring and other times i think MORE MORE MORE. Sometimes i think i dont want them to be healed i want them to be cut deeper. I argue with myself saying i have no reason to cut and i had no real reason for the scars i have.

With my dancing it means i have to show my arms alot and it causes people to stare and i reegret the scars i have but sometimes i just want more. I think to myself about cutting another part of my body. Iv cut my face before and my hip.

I get stuck between 2 forms of self-harm.

1. I overdose, chance of killing myself or huting my internal organs but people wont notice.

2. I cut myself, People will notice but no chance of killing myself.

It depends what mood im in as to wether i feel the need to overdose or cut. If i want to feel numb i overdose, if i want to feel alive i cut.

I hope i never do either again but at the same time i cant expect it all to stop immediately.

I thought to myself the other day – how long do i need to be stable for before they put my cipralex back to monthlies, but after my thoughts with the tramadol today i dont think it would be a wise move anytime soon to put them to monthlies.

I cant get rid of the thoughts. I know the tramadol is there and its eating away at me. I shouldnt have gone looking. I have no reason to take tramadol. No need to feel numb. So why are the thoughts there? Is it just temptation like a drug addict wanting to get a kick? Am i addicted to this? iv not overdosed in 7-8 weeks so why have these thoughts now. Ill be glad to get to my friends tomorrow and have a weekend without the temptation there of overdosing. Even saying that makes me sad it makes me think OVERDOSE OVERDOSE OVERDOSE. I just want to cry. I dont need to overdose and i dont want to so why is my mind trying to get me to do it 😥

xxx

Sleep

I have no idea why im sleeping so much. Yet again it is 2.16pm and im just awake. I fell asleep around 3.30am so thats ALOT of hours of sleep. Im just wondering if its the mix of my cipralex and amoxicillin that im on for my cough. New medications do tend to make me very sleepy.

I got a  letter through this morning for another medical assessment for my ESA next Thursday. I dont know why i need another one straight after getting the results of my previous one. Mibbe they think it was a fluke and need to prove i really am a mentalist. I struggle to deal with things such as bills and dinners etc. Bills come through and i throw them in a drawer and not bother with them. As for dinners well at the moment im eating constantly and its not meals its just picking at biscuits, chocolate, cereal and toast. My parents made me my dinner yesterday and it was nice.

Im spending most of my week watching over my little puppy. People say she looks big in the photos but when you see her against something like the tennis ball she soooo loves to play with with me, the tennis ball is the size of her head and people then realise how tiny she actually is. I wonder what mischief shes getting up to today. She suits me perfectly as me and her will get up to alot of mischief together im sure. Im going to bring her bed down today if i remember and get the house all tidy. Iv got a washing on at the moment.

I have my taekwondo grading coming up on the 28th of march so thats another £40 im going to have to find. So much money to put out at the end of this month and i dont think im going to manage it because i have my road tax too.

Well its nearly 2.30pm and i suppose i better get up and get dressed and go see my puppy.

xxx

What else?

What else can i buy thats smaller but still fits me?

im currently wearing a size 20 cardigan – i went out and bought the same cardigan – different colour in a 16 and it fits.

last week i bought a 38b bra which was too big so now im into a 36c

my jeans and jammies are hanging off.

i have a pair of 16-18 jammies out of primark which i know dont normally fit me so ill try them tonight i think.

Im so bored. I had my house inspection this morning at 10am, needless to say i was still in bed when the man came to the door. not that i cared to be honest. I went and delivered another 4 packs of books finally only have something like 7 packs to deliver which ill have done in no time.

I have the nurse this afternoon for blood tests to make sure my liver and kidneys are still functioning properly. i suppose this is the joys of overdosing and giving yourself such a severe urine infection your crying in pain for days and 1 course of antibiotics is not enough to clear it. so ill find out if yet another course of antibiotics is needed.

This nurse may not know about my overdosing situation so i may be lucky to be able to get a load of zopiclone from her which i know would TOTALLY wind my doctor up if she found out. i plan to build up my collection of zopiclone cos if 3 can knock me out clean – with no memory of anything for a day and cause me to see double when i wake up think what 28 or so could do. WOW. I never overdose on zopiclone alone cos thats just boring. zopiclone is just the icing on the cake its the one i happily carry with me to the hospital and take it when i get there so i k.o and dont feel the reactions to the parvolex drip (it sooo worked the last time), but it caused a bit of bother cos i couldnt tell them i couldnt breathe etc like i can when im concious so it did kinda cause a siezure through low sats…oops. If im gonna overdose again im gonna do it right and knock myself out totally hence the reason for a good 28-30ish zopiclone. That should be lethal.

It feels a little like being drunk without the sickness and bloatedness and the hangover afterwards. when i wake up i just giggle because my eyes dont work as a pair they work by themselves so i see double. many a morning iv been staring at the railings on the cieling for the curtains around my hospital bed and the straight railings have started to bend because of my eyes playing funny buggers it takes a good few hours for that to go away. Nurses dont trust you to go to the toilet alone so they are standing at the door chapping every 5 seconds asking if your ok – simply because i refuse point blank to use a commode.

I want to feel that drowsiness again where i dont have a care in the world and i just giggle and do silly things, cause havok and tell people exactly what i think of them then regret it. yet again its a bit like being pissed. if i didnt have taekwondo tonight id sooo be gettin into the vodka right now and its only 2pm.

Im so bored, i just cant be bothered with the t.v, the house is tidy so no point in cleaning that. i just cant sit at peace i want to be doing something. i want to be causing mischief. looks like its 2 classes of taekwondo tonight to burn off some energy and hyperness. i just want to jump and dance and sing. i wish i had my dog to take a walk, to keep me company.

I cancelled my wedding!

When im as bored as this i love a bath which i appear to be addicted to recently but at 2pm its a bit silly i suppose.

Im playing a list of things in my head that i can do to keep the boredom away but nothing is appealing – maybe a bike ride along the shore? but with broken toes and alot of TKD to do tonight i cant really afford to burn off too much energy. Finish my painting? nah im not in the mood im worried ill ruin it. play the psp? nope, deliver more books? god no iv done enough today my arms are sore, go to mums shop? nup been there twice already today, watch tv? nope, housework? its all done. SERIOUSLY im bored stupid!

Im just glad the only meds i have in the house are 8 escitalopram a few ibrufen and some cold medicines because if id had any painkillers they would have been swallowed by now. im not suicidal im just bored and need a kick. im also glad i dont have knifes either, well i have 1 but i dunno where it is.

BORED BORED BORED

boredom is LETHAL!!!!!!

xxx