EUGH!

Today has been a funny day, yet again i have ran around trying to sort things out!

I worked in the shop for a couple of hours and i have came back home and emptied the kitchen. i have thrown out all my plates other than one, alot of glasses and cups and just generally flung out alot of stuff.

I have one of the worst feelings i have experienced. I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I feel sicky and dunno if i feel bloated or sore or whatever its just weird. I may have to go to the chemist and ask for 6 paracetamol to pass me through the night in the hope it settles it. My back hurts and im so tired from my diazepam from last night. I think im gonna have to make a doctors appointment for tomorrow and speak to the doctor about my meds i.e my amitriptyline and see about being allowed some diazepam or lorazepam. The ami isnt overly working well but i feel its is really affecting my moods the days after i have to take it and up to 2 days after iv taken one.

I contacted the MHO the other day and she has wrote a letter to the psychiatrists and also forwarded a copy to me which i received this morning. I better hear something soon as it has been over a month since i was sectioned and still had no follow up. I am really angry about it.

As much as i love/d my house i want out of it now. It hasnt felt like home for the past 6 months now since my ex left. It still feels cold and empty and im quite a neat freak and feel i am constantly cleaning it because it doesnt feel like a home. I just want out of here. I want a living room with a carpet!!! This living room has a stupid shiny laminate that makes everyone say “oh sorry im walking on your newly mopped floor” when really its just totally shiny it always looks wet, and to be honest its not the first time iv went on my backside when my feet have been wet.

I have just realised its 4.30 and the chemist will be closed as it is wednesday! I need paracetamol but dont want to buy 16. I may buy a packet and leave a strip at my mums shop when she opens later. As much as i say iv been stable i do not trust myself. I could be low at any time and just throw them in my mouth without thinking about the concequences.

I have noticed my thinking is different though, i really am trying to think about some of my more serious actions such as overdosing or cutting. Iv not had these thoughts i think the last time i had them was a long while ago and i proudly managed to fight the urge to do it thinking of the concequences that would occur had i take tablets. But as i say ill go to the doctor tomorrow.

xxx